TWERPS Trashy Tales of Neato Falls

The day starts out like any ordinary day for your characters...

Julie Smatherson:
Julie has been sitting at home and reading her latest script re-write for the upcoming filming of the "Bondage, Love, and Chocolates" made-for-TV movie, "Bondage, Love, and Chocolates: The Made for TV Movie". The outcome is a bit disappointing to say the least. Ever since the backlash over Venus Stone's breaking of Sammy Breedlove's heart, fans' reaction to Smatherson's character has been rather lukewarm, if death threats and online vitriol thrown her direction can be called "lukewarm" as her agent seems to describe it. Smatherson notices that she's been given fewer lines than she normally gets... Heck, from what she can tell, she's been given fewer lines in this TV movie than she's normally given for the 10-minute webisodes she shoots once a month. There have also been rumors that Stone's character may be killed off soon if she can't sway the public's favor back in her character's direction; a near herculean task considering she hasn't any say in the writing. But today might just be her lucky day...

Answering the ringing phone, her agent Yuwanda Jobbs cuts her off before she can say "hello."

"Julie! How's my favorite superstar? Great, listen I don't have time to chat long, I've got things going on. So anyway, I've seen the latest BLCTMFTVM re-write and it doesn't look good... And I noticed that your sort of flagging in the viewer polls, and I think I have just the PR opportunity we need to 'get you back up there in that saddle there, lil' missy', HAHA! Yeah... So hear me out; it's this little PR thingy in a town called... let's see here... (you hear papers being riffled through)... Okay here it is! It's this little PR thingy in a town called Neato Falls. Sort of a little, 'kitchy', small town-ey, 'cutesy' sort of... hmmm... Well, okay listen Julie-baby, I have no idea where this place is... It's probably some backwoods crap-hole, but they're holding the grand opening of (papers rifling)... huh... Yeah, they're having the grand opening of their new 'landfill'... Oh... Huh! Umm... and there's no payment for this appearance either, it looks like. But wait; before you hang up, you might want to know that the good news is I guess there's a lot of housewives there that really liked your character before the whole 'BreedStone Breakup' debacle? And apparently the housewives in this town are pretty much carrying about 10% of 'Bondage's' ratings right now? So it might behoove you to go visit this little outhouse and get back in their good graces before the next script re-write is finalized, whaddaya say?"


Devin Michael Brandon
Devon is just finishing uploading his morning workout selfie to his high school alumni page when he gets a chirp on his laptop indicating an incoming video call from his boss at RIPT, Regional Supervisor Lift Bromanowsky. Lift never uses regular telephones, strictly video calls, and as Devin clicks on the window to answer it Lift sits before the camera shirtless (the unofficial uniform of all male RIPT employees), and using a towel to apparently either wipe sweat OFF his forehead or wipe oil ON his forehead. It's even possible he's wiping sweat OFF his oiled forehead... Lift doesn't wait for a "hello".

"Dee Bee! What's up, champ! Not much here... just got in my second set of gainz in for the morning, might have me a kale-and-proto breakfast, maybe sprinkle a little RIPT bonemeal on it for the fills, knowwhatimean? So listen, now that you mention it, just got word from the HQ! We a new product here for the RIPT line, figured to myself, 'Know what, Bromanowsky, you got just the man for the job'... That man is YOU, buddy!

"I'll send you the product info, but it basically boils down to this: Two bottles... LionShark for the dudes. Comes in this blue-labeled bottle... (He holds a bottle up to the camera). CougarShark for the chicks (he holds another bottle, this one with a pink label, up in front of the camera). Remember that, make a little newmatic device or something... Like 'Blue Dude; Pink Chi-' Uh, pink... Hmm.. 'Purple Gurple... See cuz Blue and Dude sound the same, and Purple is sorta like pink cuz they're both chick colors and 'gurple' sorta sounds like 'girl' cuz they both go 'Urrr'. Whetever, write it down or something, just don't screw it up, Dee Bee!

Now listen and pay attention closely Bro-ndon. The secret is both of them are the same product (he gives the camera a conspiratorial wink as one of his greasy pecs bounces in tandem. At last year's company Christmas party he'd declared that the "pec and wink" was his "thing" and he didn't want to see anyone else doing it during video calls.) Basically five thousand calories of lard and sugar. Wouldn't touch the stuff myself personally, but RIPT is looking to target the uneducated market, and that's why I'm sending you to some cow pasture called 'Neato Falls'. People there wouldn't know what a macro was if some stringbean spotter stuck it on the end of a barbell and forgot to put clamps on it and the sonofagun slid off and fell on their foot, HAHAHA!!!

Anyway, you know the drill champ. Just hand out samples give the regular schpiel: CougarShark for the chicks, 5000 calorie weight loss supplement, replaces every meal for a week, chicks get slammin' bods if taken as directed; make sure to point to the picture of the bro with the lab coat on the back.

"LionShark for the dudes, 5000 calorie mass-gainer supplement, drink one bottle before each workout, dudes get massive' gains if taken as directed; make sure to point to the picture of the bro with the lab coat on the back.

"As usual, you make a commish of 1C for every thousand units you move. They're having some sort of event this weekend, in this town. Probably a rodeo or somethin', I saw a lot of dirt on the website. Try and set up a booth near the news camera. You can do it DeeBee; you're my number one man! Out!"

He gives you the "pec and wink" and the window disappears before you can get a word in.


Evan the Starving Artist
Evan is wandering around the local Mal-Wart box store, brainstorming for an project. He's been in an inspirational funk lately. So far the best he's come up with is maybe some sort of interpretive dance protesting the capitalistic enterprise of box stores blah blah blah... It's only been a hundred times though. He's stewing in his frustrations, when standing near the electronics aisle a news article catches his attention on eight of the flat screen television sets before him. The male and female anchor are chatting and there are video scenes of what appears to be some sort of enormous mountain of trash in the corner of the screen. Looking around, Evan turns up one of the televisions and catches the end of the story:

HIM: -the final story, we bring you to the 115 year-old town of Neato Falls, where the citizens are about to celebrate the grand opening of their very first landfill!

HER: What? 115 years and no landfill? Haha, where have they been putting their garbage?

HIM: Apparently, for more than century they residents have been putting it in a big pile south of town, and waiting for wolves to eat it so that dung beetles could roll the feces away. However, wolves apparently don't eat garbage, so it's been sitting there stacking up. The town has spent 1 million C to officially declare an area north of the town as the Neato Falls Landfill and for the last fifteen years they've been collecting all the garbage from the enormous pile south of town and trucking to make a new pile north of town in the newly declared landfill.

HER: Oh, how neat! What will they do with the new pile now, Ron? Do they have plans to burn it or bury it?

HIM: The teleprompter doesn't say anything about further plans for the garbage, Becky!

HER: Oh, how neat!

Wheels start turning in Evan's head. He doesn't know exactly what he plans to do with a gigantic mountain of garbage, but with the prospect of a limitless supply of materials to work with, he has a feeling inspiration will eventually hit him.

The characters all arrive in Neato Falls, town of about 80-85,000 NPCs (depending on the ratio of man-eating animals and natural disasters per capita on any given year). It seems absolutely tiny compared to the big city you all come from.
Mountains surround the town on all sides; most are blue and purple with brilliant white caps of snow covering the tops. To the north, however, there appears to be an enormous brown one with stink-lines coming from the top of it. This, you all assume, is the Neato Falls Landfill.

You each arrive at your hotel, a three story building called the Dull Rock Inn, and approach the lobby to check into your rooms.

Julie's room has been paid for by her agent, who figured footing the bill was the only way to get Julie to go.

RIPT has paid for Damon's room on the corporate account, as usual.

Evan however is freelance, and has nobody to foot the bill for accommodations. He should probably figure that out, as a room costs 2C per night.

You may introduce yourselves and sort things out now...

There's two front desk clerks. One is a young girl in her late teens or early twenties. She ruminates a piece of gum with a cow-eyed look on her pretty-ish face that would suggest she's either bored beyond caring about anything, or possibly just stupid. She was here when Evan the Artist checked in with Julie.

Another middle aged woman, heavyset with a beehive hairdo, stands behind the desk as well now. As Devon finishes checking in, and EtA is heading out through the lobby to check out the town, the new woman behind the counter asks, "Y'all here fer the Grand Openin' o' the Lan'fill, tamarrah?"

The young clerk stares blankly at Devin as if he's talking science gibberish. It's about as "deer-in-the-headlights" as she seems capable of withought actually having to put the effort into lifting her eyelids.

Evan meanwhile rides his bike through town staying pretty close to the Main Avenue. The dump, from the distance of the brown mountain with the stink lines above it, appears to be probably ten miles outside of town... Maybe as much as twenty. The sheer size of the garbage mountain seems to mess with Evan's spacial grasp making judging the distance difficult. In town, there seems to be at least one bar/casino on every block. They have names like "Cowboy Bar and Casino", "Cowboy Casino and Bar", "Cowboy Casino" (a sign in the window says "bar insid"), and "Cowboy Bar". Interspersed between cowboy-themed bars and casinos are gas stations, fast food joints, banks and credit unions, oil change and tire shops, used car lots, and the occasional box store. The wind, constantly blowing at a steady rate; blows dust, dirt, and tumbleweeds, as well as smashed paper cups, cigarette butts, plastic bags, and other refugees of the mountain looming on the horizon.

Inside the window of one building you pass, signage reading "Cow Bar and Casino", you see a hand written poster board in the window reading, "Spend the Nite with 2 frends in the Landfill be4 tomarow's grand opening! Drawing and raffle tix inside!"

Tired of riding around the what he was realizing was a very depressing town he took a picture of the sign and tagged it at his location and sent a text to Julie, J going to check out, publicity stunt? and attached the picture before walking in. The place seemed to have more dead animal heads than you would see in a slasher film. He'd inquire about the posterboard sign in the window to see what it was all about.

"Yeah, the raffle?", says a man who blows his nose into a dishrag. "Well basically the drawin' is gonna be at about 7pm tonight. If you wanna tickit, jes' pay 1C an' write yer name and a phone number you kin' be reached at on the back o' the tickit. If you git drawed, we'll give you a call and you and two friends kin go sleep up there 'fore the crowds show up tomorrah. We'll give you a ride up there in a pickup."

The man puts a 50/50 ticket on the bar blank side up, with a pen. Presumably, you fill out your name and phone number and leave a C. The man walks off and begins wiping down the top of the bar.

As Julie wanders around she sees this stack of meat hanging around the lobby area. The meat is talking to the front desk clerk about energy levels and "living RIPT" or something...

The front desk clerks watch Julie with nasty looks on their faces, as Julie makes her performance...

It seems that whatever the meat might feel about this performance, the mention of Breedstone's jilting has opened an old wound with the two women at the front desk. Hearing an audible "tsk-tsk" from one of them, Julie realizes she's got an uphill battle to win these locals over.

Evan places his C and the 50/50 ticket with his contact information on the bar, and notes to himself to be back at 6pm.

Meanwhile, Julie's attempts to attract the Devin's attentions seem to be coming up short, and she received no response from him. The meat appears to be so deeply focused on his sales schpiel to the ladies at the counter, she wonders if anything could distract him right now.

Evan begins riding back to the hotel, when his phone rings from a local number... It's well before 6pm, and it's the man that was wiping down the bar.

"Hello, is this Mr. E-Van the Artist? Yes, we just called to tell you that we decided to go on ahead an' have the raffle early, and wouldn' you knowit, you won! Congrajulashuns!"

Pulling over Evan took the call and listened... it was probably his artwork around his name that drew the puller of the ticket to his name... there might be hope for the town yet he thought to himself before making arrangements with the man on the other end from the bar before getting back to the hotel to break the good... well news to J and Mr Big Neck.

About the time that Evan walks into the hotel and explains he situation to everyone a loud truck comes rolling into the covered check-in parking area of the hotel in front of the lobby doors blaring a Dixie Horn, not just once, which is obnoxious but still usually succeeds in getting a chuckle from locals, but over and over and over... Seven times to be exact (feel free to turn up the speakers and click the play button seven times to enjoy the interactive feel of Neato Falls in your own room).

The pickup is a boxy, "buy American"-framed model circa the mid-eighties, with a suspension lift kit that seems to make it taller than it is wide or long. It looks like a shitbox made a baby with an industrial cherry-picker that was already somehow its cousin... The color is obscured, as every square inch of the machine is covered in dried mud save for the wiper blade section of the windshield. Two scruffy men sandwich a woman on the bench seat, before jumping out and boisterously entering the lobby...

The men walk up to the front desk completely ignoring the guests in the lobby and the driver uses his outdoor voice to say to the larger woman behind the counter, "Hey Marshey! Ziggy sent us to come an' collect a buncha tourists that paid him to take them up to spend the night in that goddam junk yard they builded outsida town, Haw-Haw!!! Said it's some sissy on a bicycle! You got anyone like that staying here?"

He's wearing torn jeans, heavy boots, and a wife-beater tank top to show off various tattoos he or his friends did with a guitar string and a few ballpoint pens. The art ranges from a popular cartoon rodent grinning while holding an electric guitar and wearing sunglasses with his obscenely large penis snapped in a mousetrap; to a word that was probably "Sally" in blue ink, but then changed to "SoRRy" in heavier blue ink, but then changed back to "SaLLy" in black ink.

The other man from the truck, stands with his elbow on the counter playing with a toothpick in his mouth. Though lacking the lean definition of Devin, he looks fit and wouldn't be entirely unattractive if he'd been were born and raised in a different world than this. His yellow Joe Dirt mullet bobs slightly as he looks the metropolitan-looking Julie up and down with a look on his face that would indicate that 1) he likes was he sees, 2) he disdains what he sees, and 3) he seems completely incapable of any other functions at all while his simple brain struggles with the cognitive dissonance of these two overpowering "emotions".

The girl previously sandwiched in the middle wears full denim from skinny pants to jacket. The only exception seems to be the high-top sneakers with the flashing lights when she walks and the black 80's hairband t-shirt. Her hair is dirty-blonde and large and zig-zaggy from a crimpers and hairspray... She shoves past to the counter between Julie and the mullet giving Julie a dangerous-looking stink eye as she passes indicating that she doesn't like the way Julie's clearly jockeying for the mullet's attentions. Or maybe she recognizes Julie and simply doesn't like the way Julie broke Sammy Breedlove's heart. Either way, she doesn't seem to like Julie and she looks like the type of girl that doesn't post to Chirpbook when she doesn't like another female.

"I think this guy has a bicycle," replies Marshy.

The mullet finally pulls his attention away from Julie to look at Evan and give a snort of derision.

"Well, come on Neil Armstrong! Get your bike and your pit crew and get in the back of the truck!" The driver gives Marshey a wink and they all out to his pickup and as he passes you can smell booze on his breath.

"Bye, Waylon Jennin's Dunphe," says Marshey, clearly enamored with him.

The diver and his friends jump into the front. There's no room in the cab, so you'll need to make a climbing roll to jump into the bed of the truck (with or without your bike, Evan). Due to the absurd lift kit on this pickup this is, ridiculously enough a, minor climbing check as there's no rear bumper or any other means of climbing in beyond a standard Muscle-Up. Feel free to browse the included how-to video on the proper technique to execute a Muscle-Up, then grab the tailgate and make a Saving Roll of (1d10 + Current Strangth) You want to beat the Difficulty Total posted below:

Evan's hands slide off the truck's muddy lift gate and he goes landing on his ass, painfully bruising his tailbone. The truck sways back and forth as the cab becomes a riot of guffaws and hyena barks... Inside, you can hear Marshey cackling behind the front desk.

The Mullet gets out of the cab laughing and with tears in his eyes and helps Evan up off the ground. He grabs him like a groom carrying his bride across a threshold and boosts him into the truck bed. He then stands there grinning and waiting for the other two to give it a try before he offers help. He seems to pay particular focus on Julie.

((Evan loses one point of Current Strength due to a bruised tailbone and injured pride. I'll edit your character sheet for you, Remnant.))