Background

Oh wait. Hold on. I need to reread your posts for last couple days. We two do know the terrible odds of anything going from online to RL well. I thought that was assumed. I do know that I’m not going to burn the world down to force that transition. For a number of reasons. Yes, for the three. Yes for the fourth. Yes for me. Yes for the girl who had also been burned by it. You are stating the obvious then. I was being the romantic idealist that says if there is a one in a million chance of it working then there is hope, perhaps mere delusion, but hope of love. I’ve been an adventurer, a lucky traveler and an entrepreneur all my life. These things require a certain amount of self delusion to keep going to achieve any goal and maybe not the intended goal. A fool is not one who isn’t smart; he is one who steps off in blind faith ready to accept the pains and consequences. I cannot be that fool while I have the three. That is true. There is a joke in here about you taking me for a fool, but I don’t think that is what you have done. I am not the fool. I realize this.

What I mean is I don’t want to lose her or how she makes me feel. I do not have her in RL and chances are I never will. Not a certainty but enough that I will agree with your sentiments. I cannot lose my head, for myself, for the three and or for her. She would probably the most devastated if I did that. And thus we are back to the beginning as to why I love her. She is just that wonderful. At this point I do not have her in my RL as much as I think the idea would be grand. I do have her online for as long as she will stand me. And that is what now I will fight to keep in my life.

Thank you for the warnings. We both know this road. I just enjoy it slightly differently maybe.

I took offense to your advice and that’s regrettable and I debated which is a sure sign of insecurity. I wanted to at least prove that there was an arguement as to why an idealist could see a positive result rather shutting down all hope as your comment seemed to do. My apologies for taking your comment the wrong way.

Let’s look at the situation in an different way. For the past five and you can say 12 years Christi’s health has deteriorated. For the last three it had been awful. She no longer can do anything with me. I wait on her. She complains about everything I do. She won’t let me touch her. I sleep with the kids. My business failed because I could not keep my business and tend to her too. I had to start over with another company that I commute two hours and work ten hours six days a week. I had stopped shaving. I had let my stomach go a bit. I had stopping doing anything for myself. I stopped working on the new house. I lost hope of anything but the routine. This game was a turn around for me. I started to have something of my own again. Then Kilikina applied to the game and I flirted with her. I began invest even more effort into the game, changing my work hours, reducing them to real limits. I started shaving and stopped eating the same level of carbs that the kids were eating because that was easy, because I had nothing else to do, because I had stopped hoping for anything. With Kilikina in my life, I started to challenge Christi to take the steps to get better. I had started to look for dancing lessons for Izzy so I could go out dancing. I started to fix up the house again. I started to think I could do something in life again. That is where my comment about having her in my life comes from. It wasn’t that I needed per se to take the relationship to RL to achieve any of that. Your comment struck me as an attack on that hope and I over reacted as does someone who can’t think straight. I need the hope of something, especially human, especially touching. I want this relationship to continue for the both of us and I want there to be hope of something grand. Maybe it’s RL, who knows. There’s hope. I hope that Christi can make a turn around. There hope in that. We call it our shared fantasy. It’s just like Kit and Duke’s shared fantasy, at this point no more real than theirs.

Let’s expound this discussion one step further. What would that fantasy entail. Ignoring the downfalls which may or may not be obvious and you have already pointed out the biggest ones, this fantasy includes falling into true love, which perhaps depends on truly touching and dating and all that nervousness. It entails us being attracted to each other. It means we can set aside our insecurities. It means we can find in each other a person whom we can rely upon and share our burdens and concerns. It certainly means ball room dancing! All good and easy things if we are in love. It means Christi is in a better place in her life. It means Kilikina would be a step mom. It means we would have a plan to foster her career and mine and have a plan to grow old together. It would mean sex and cuddles and tender kisses. It would mean marriage and commitment. Would any of that be better than what I have now? I think my argument No2 addressed that in the affirmative, but those are some big questions. It hinges more than anything on Christi’s mental health. And then on Kilikina’s and mine ability to transition this to RL. Those are some huge obstacles. Maybe impossible but still not hopeless, which is where I was before. Even trying to move along that path might lead us both to different and wonderful lives. But I never want to lose her even as a friend. Never. And in all things I love her.

And that is what I was trying to say.

On a lighter note, she’s beautiful. Like Kit, she has straight brown hair that falls to her shoulders, caramel skin and brown eyes that are as deep as the sea. Unlike Kit, she has scars on her jaw like Edward Scissorhands that make me swoon. Of course she has a dancer’s body and sent me one picture of herself dressed as a pirate captain in corset, red coat and healed boots. Omg so cute and sexy. But more importantly she is sassy and intelligent and kind and caring. Adorable.

Wow, that was quite a read. I'm not sure what comment you meant, but the only one I can think of was the "don't suffocate her" which was meant to help. That was in the game when she was talking to the minatour and you were hovering over hear and talking about love and protection. And she said twice that she's got this. It made me think of three relationships I have had that had a real chance, but I rushed. The first one, I fell in love too quick, and started behaving like we'd been dating for 3 years. That's when I learned women need time to accept someone really wants to take care of them. It's a surrender of their freedom in a way, and a lowering of their guard that they keep up to protect themselves from someone who says all the right things, but doesn't follow through. At least that's what some of the older ladies at work would tell me.
So going into my second RL relationship, I was armed with that knowledge, but as soon as the girl showed me some affection, I was in love. I became over protective and worried about any guy she talked to, worried she'd see more in them than me. That, of course, is a lack of trust in her, which she noticed. It was also from my insecurities of not feeling successful or attractive enough. After that fell apart, my female friends would say how they love their alone time and girl time, and love when their man would give them space.
When I finally had a chance at another RL relationship, it was with the woman who was 12 years younger. I turned out to be too mature. The problems she had, I had answers to. I thought I would guide her through issues, when all she wanted was someone to listen and empathize. Oddly enough, I became more of a father figure. Which relegated me to the friend zone, and I've been there every since.

When you were with Lisa, I was happy for you that you'd found what I thought was happiness. Then when we bonded over SL and your needing to find another love, I was happy for you when you met Christi. In a way, it inspired me because you had a beautiful wife, were well educated, had your own company and became a dad. I, in turn, founded my own company, stopped playing (depending upon) SL, lost weight and was busy, happy and fulfilled, except for the relationship area. My relationship was an on again, off again love/pain fest.
So, if you have another chance at finding true love, I'm your biggest fan. I'd not be a good friend if I didn't caution you, or worry when you say things like "I can not live without." Even as a euphemism, the thought of you checking out over something that's just in the beginning stages is unfathomable to me. What I meant by you know what you'd tell me is: give it time, let it develop, don't push, don't smother, don't lose her just because she inspires you so much that you can't stand to lose her (before she comes to that same place in her heart). I think the reason "hard to get" works so well for some guys (usually attractive guys) is because once a woman decides she is in love and wants a commitment, it's her idea and she won't let go.

Anyway, you seem to being doing a lot better, and for that I am glad. I know how the love, or at least the inspiration of a woman who wants you, pays attention to you makes you feel. I feel like more of a man (if that makes sense) when my on again/off again is on. And when it's not, I find my own distractions, like this game. If it comes back on, the game will lose me. But for now, I am the snarky bard looking to put his dick in something pretty, warm and loving.

Ok. Here goes again. I have only Kilikina and you to talk to. I have talked to Tina for legal and life counciling. She has referred me to a lawyer of my own. Her husband is lending me a spy camera to record her ramblings. I will talk to my bother tomorrow but he is really quite sheltered and isn’t a good listener. I can talk to my sister in law, but she is her own kind of crazy. That’s it. Otherwise, I’m alone.

So. Umm just 12 hours after I outlined my soul searching about where my feelingsand thoughts were and how I could dream my life getting better, this happens. I feel so guilty. It is not without some linked connection that it happened last night. Given that my love for Kilikina has awakened me to the need for love and what a trap I am in, I began to pressure Christi for a plan to get better, to get out of bed, to do something for the kids. That was two weeks ago. She renewed her efforts to homeschool but that only lasted a few days. Yesterday I put my foot down and asked her to renew the supplements and medical protocols which she dropped years ago when our money ran out. My new job is doing better and my mother’s inheritance final got in the kids’ name. I could afford to try again. Her answer shocked me. She told me she was healed from all that but that she was being attacked by evil as fast as her angels were healing her. Her thoughts were being scrambled by Statler, an old man muppet and an evil overlord that possesses her brain. And the worse, she tells me that Christi has been dead or comatose for almost three years, that she was Zelda, the voice we had named as her subconscious, that she talked directly with God and he has a plan for her to erupt into the next Jesus, and that she was the incarnation of the goddess of love fountain of all empathy. Zelda is the bitch with powers to see all things physical, that she can read digital photography on the internet and know everything about what was photographed, that she can see all past lives, that she is part of a hive mind of subconscious. She is in love with my subconscious named Zoltan.

I need to protect the kids. Get them in school. There is no amount of private money that can help her. I need to commit her, do something. I feel betrayed that I was waiting for her to heal, happy that she was stable, but really all along she was getting worse and hiding it from me. I tried to touch her and she pulled back saying that God doesn’t want me to touch the goddess in her.

I was an emotional wreck. I leaned pretty hard on Kili last night but I shouldn’t allow myself. She hadn’t eaten for two days because everything in the kitchen reminds her of her lost pup. Luckily she and her mom ate last night and had a cry, a couple door slams, a couple choice words and some tea. I have been reaching out and spending a bit of time to support in that and then I fall apart last night. Just yesterday afternoon I had talked to her about the soul searching that I spoke to you in this last post. I told her that to needed to get my house in order and that she was so sweet to help me get a spine and do something. Now this post and I seriously need to get my house in order NOW. It may involve divorce and custody. Ok I would be lying if I didn’t think about the possibility to get that dance in that I want with Kili. You are absolutely correct that the timing and the possibility is up to her. I have time. My own life threatens to spin out of control if I can’t manage all the spinning plates during this.

I'm so sorry my friend. Dealing with mental illness is the hardest thing to deal with because you're helpless. I strongly suggest a lawyer who deals with such things, not just a divorce lawyer. Also, it does sound like she needs serious psychological counseling with licensed doctor.

One piece of advice if you'll take it. Lean on me to vent all you want. I've known you 50 years. Lean on your brother. Talk with Kili, share with her, but don't put something this heavy on her yet. It's way too big for someone just getting to you know. Take care of your present family, get legal and medical advice, and get the kids stable. Talk with Kili though it as a light to keep a smile and hope in your heart, but let the conversations with her be lighter, show her your strength though it all and that you are a man who can handle even the toughest emotions (weakness does not look good for a paladin). Show me your weakness, you've seen mine. Show your brother, he's blood. Show her your taking care of it and doing what you need to do for your kids.

Thank you but she’s not ordinary. She says so herself. I am completely honest with her and respect her ability to say yes or no to anything I ask. That’s just how I want my relationships, full of respect. Besides, I really need her right now and she is strong that way.

BTW, that was all role playing. Both the minotaur and the paladin are controlled by the same DM, lol. Kit and I knew she was safe. Only poor Duke was afraid and bound by his oath of protection. We were playing for humor.

Once in her back story, we were far from the others and in great danger. Kit told Duke to go back to the ship and get help, and the paladin refused to split the party of two. It was a strong statement by Duke and Kit recognized his real concern. Actually the DM knew it was dangerous in that situation, but still, Duke was being protective, which she liked, not being overly protective there.

I am playing Duke more and more as I would play him, like in the back story. We didn't like how Duke was becoming a flat, background NPC. It is hard to be DM and full player, but I like the challenge. What I despise are DM characters, those fictions that know as much as the DM knows. That I won't do.

Aight. I just want to play D&D.

Refreshing my memory with what you wrote here: Guenavar is a Faerunian beauty who as a convert to Zaltec of Nexal, came to daddy as a mission to win him to worshipping Zaltec as well as Qotal. He would have nine of any of her. You however were enamored. She is now the High Priest of Zaltec in Nexal, or what is left. She is repeating your discussions of having a Green Folk rule the north from the throne of Nexal. With the armies in disarray and the refugees gone for Tukan, this is the ideal time to make a move and annex Nexal and protect the tree in the process.

Are you looking to pin the comment here, or did you have a question?

No need to pin. You mentioned in the main forum that it was good to remind everyone of the back story as it is in flux. So I went to look for some to refresh my memory, and in doing so thought I let you know what I was looking at and building upon. One of the reasons I didn't let things with Passion Flower go beyond flirting was the comments made here about Jacob's feelings on Guenavar. It's interesting to explore.

Sorry, just saw this. Before I can respond to her, I need to know a few things that Jacob would probably know.

1. I couldn't find Helm or Faerun on your Maztica map. Did I miss or where are they located? Also, explain Zaltec, please.
2. When she says take the Priesthood of Zaltec does she mean become head priestess of the religion or seize a position of power over Nexal (like Cardinal Richelieu in France)?
3. Why would the northern Green Folk kingdom be there for the taking if she takes the Priesthood? Because she is not a ruler but would be in power and could appoint one (me)?
4. I assume my father would see that as treason?
5. Is Guenaver human?