Out of Context Quotes

Apr 24, 2023 10:08 pm

Anyone have any good out-of-context quotes or exchanges from their games? I always get a kick out of reading that sort of thing. Here are a couple from some sessions with my in-person group a while back:

Quote:

Cleric: You have no qualms, scruples, or moral compass?
Bard: Nope!
Cleric: I've never asked you for a favour before, right?
Bard: Right.
Cleric: Would you burn this for me?

Quote:

Bard: You accepted money from a man to meet with him in the middle of the night??
Wizard: I mean...
Bard: That only ever means one of two things!
Wizard: He healed a leper!

Quote:

Cleric: When's the baptism?
Barbarian: I talked to Bard, I'm atheist now.

Quote:

Barbarian: I wondered what would break first. My body or my spirit.

Quote:

Bard: Can you swim?
Sorcerer: swims through air
Bard: No, like in the water.

Quote:

Sorcerer: Can the Pope fix... everything?
Bard: Not your relationship with your father.

Quote:

Wizard: I'm sorry. Wait, I'm not, cool people aren't sorry.

Quote:

Monk: He's a minor!
Cleric: Oh yes. An Ursa Minor.

Quote:

NPC: And you... what are you doing messing with my best student??
Bard: I would never blackmail a child.

Quote:

NPC: I've heard of Wizard and her band consisting of a midget, a bizarre ho, a misguided priest, a very poor duellist, and a fop.
Sorcerer: Would that make me the bizarre ho or the fop?
Monk (OOC): HE MUSED TO HIMSELF, SILENTLY.

lavtodd

Apr 25, 2023 3:27 pm

Out of Context Quotes

Quote:

Artificer: It's fine, if anyone needs healing I'll take the panini press to their butt.

These are always fun to read :D

Last edited April 25, 2023 3:27 pm

dominion451

Apr 25, 2023 11:07 pm

Out of Context Quotes

🤣

kalajel

Apr 29, 2023 1:20 am

Out of Context Quotes

Just today's session:

Quote:

GMPC: Hey guys there are some bear fights in this fair. Let's go!
Me: Just so we're clear, we're not the ones fighting the bears, right?

Last edited April 29, 2023 4:01 pm

WhtKnt

Apr 29, 2023 3:09 am

Out of Context Quotes

As hard as it may be to believe, these are actual events that occurred in groups I've been in:

Wizard: "I can't believe that you bribed the guard to let us into the party."
Cavalier: "It's not a bribe... it's courtly politics!"

Bard: "Wow! All that money to cast find familiar paid off! I got a giant lynx!"
Lynx: Great. Days spent gathering components, hours to cast the spell, and what do I get? A bard!

DM: "You what?"
Player: "I douse my clothing in oil and step into the fire. Do I scare them?"
DM: "You scare me!"

Problem Player: "I died?!"
Wizard (polymorphed into a troll, but retaining his mental faculties): "I eat him!"
Problem Player: "Joke's on you, buddy! I automatically resurrect each time I die!"
Wizard: "Wow! I never have to eat again!"

Fighter: "Why did you torch the entire village?"
Wizard: "It was easier than trying to find the guy we were looking for."

NPC: "Look, let's just put all our cards on the table."
Ogron the Unsteady: ::undoes his fly and flops his manhood onto the table:: (the character, not the player)
NPC: "..."
DM: "I'm... not sure how to respond to that."

Bard: "Has it ever occurred to you that you might be wrong?"
Rogue: "Once, but I got better."

Last edited April 29, 2023 3:16 am

riven Inactive forever!

Apr 29, 2023 6:00 am

Out of Context Quotes

lol, these are fantastic. Player engaging in self-immolation and scaring the DM in particular had me snickering out loud.

Here are a few more I found from our campaign wiki:

Quote:

Barbarian: You will perish if you touch her!
Bard: To be fair, you will also perish if you don't touch her.

Quote:

Monk: I am still being stealthy. You can tell because I am using my stealth voice.

Quote:

Bard: I aggressively hit on him one time.
Sorcerer: Ohhhhh the stepmom thing!

Quote:

Monk: Yeah, I can't pick ropes.

Quote:

Barbarian: You see, Bard, most people believe in the inherent worth of a human being.
Bard: disgusted face

Quote:

Wizard: Do you have any spellbooks?
NPC: Ein spellbook?
Wizard: Yeah, you know, books of spells?
NPC: Nein.
Wizard: You have nine??

Quote:

NPC: Last time we tried to just burn down the forest, we lost a lot of good people.
Bard: Good thing we're not good people.

Quote:

Barbarian (OOC): Barbarian is doing a Qui Gon Jinn type of thing. He's kneeling and meditating, but still very aware of all his surroundings. If so much as a twig snaps, he's there.
Sorcerer (OOC): Sorcerer is snapping twigs.

Quote:

Bard (OOC): Hey, my character arc is not about not stealing things.

Quote:

Bard: I'm handing these things out like Halloween candy with syringes in it.

Quote:

DM: You see plans for a—
Monk: I steal it.

Quote:

NPC: What is the Champion of the Gods' greatest strength?
Cleric: The strength of knowing that my gods are with me.
...
...
Cleric: I've also got this belt—

Quote:

Sorcerer: You're talking a lot of crap for someone in magic range.
Cleric: Well I just killed my god.

ForeverDED

Apr 30, 2023 5:56 pm

Out of Context Quotes

LOL. These are great. :)

Eyes

May 7, 2023 3:18 am

Out of Context Quotes

Bartender: that'll be 2 silver for the drinks and food
Bard: Yeah yeah, That'll be 2 silver blah blah blah
DM: The Bartender grabs his head and falls over dead and bleeding from his ears and nose.
Bard: WTH?
DM: you mocked him... Viciously

Last edited May 7, 2023 3:18 am

riven Inactive forever!

May 7, 2023 5:51 am

Out of Context Quotes

Some more from tonight's session:

Quote:

DM: So you start heading into the marshes... we'll need to get some details sorted out...
Barbarian: Yeah, we'll probably need to establish a marshing order.
Barbarian was killed later this session in an unrelated incident

Quote:

Sorcerer: collapses on the ground, growing a beard of feathers, then rapidly ages 7 years, shedding the beard of feathers only to reveal a regular beard growing in underneath at an astonishing rate
Cleric: Half-orc puberty is so... complicated

MaJunior

Jun 7, 2023 3:46 am

Out of Context Quotes

Quote:

"I'm looking for somewhere I can buy fancier leather armor."

"Try the BDS(e)Mporium."

riven Inactive forever!

Jun 7, 2023 6:38 am

Out of Context Quotes

After three years of playing every other week, my in-person 5e campaign finally came to a conclusion last weekend. The final session itself was a little too heartfelt and sincere to provide good material for this thread. The penultimate session, however...

Quote:

Sorcerer: Ranger, we are about to do some Wacky-Ass magic.
Ranger: In that case, I would like to watch you from over there.
Sorcerer: I will not be doing it. I will be joining you.

Quote:

DM: Divine and wild magic starts pouring into you and it's like... have you ever licked a battery?

Quote:

DM: Divine, chaos, and draconic magic flow through you—
Bard: And bardic from the inspiration!
Ranger: Oh, and I can add some ranger nature magic!
Rogue: I too have something that can help! I cast minor illusion and create the image of a "do not disturb sign".

Quote:

Ranger: If I take one more step, it'll be the furthest I've ever been from home.
Wizard: You didn't have to step.
Ranger: If I take one more interdimensional vortex—

Quote:

Wizard: Your left or my left? You're an orb.
NPC: I am.

Quote:

Sorcerer: Float like a flower pot, sting like a school bus.

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