Just Writing

It was the wee morning hours. It wouldn't be long before the light shined through the windows. I sit at the table of our house in Quezalici half awake lost in my dream-like thoughts, hoping the hard seat I'm in will aide in keeping me awake through the lack of soft, comfortable, padded cushioning as this was my second time awake that night. It's still a bit strange to not be on the road, constantly sleeping in our rope trick, eating rations, a fight around every corner. But it's nice too, it's almost like a vacation. A very tiring, draining vacation. I look down to see the beautiful daughter we made attached to me, getting her meal as she awoke me asking for. It's only been about a month since she arrived, maybe five weeks, possibly six; the sleepless times have made time just start to blend together. My heart fills with joy to be able to care for her and love her, but my head aches for the sleep I once had. I had thought the restless nights at the end of my term were bad, but the constant need for attention at all hours has left me running on fumes. I do my best to hide it, but it's hard for me to do so when I can't even produce an eldritch blast that doesn't just fizzle out the second its left my hand.

The sleep deprivation affected spells was something I'd been playing with in the middle of the night when I couldn't rest. Vicious Mockery left myself feeling depressed and my imagery play always looked as if a child had created the scenes I would attempt to spawn. I definitely don't feel like myself from my inability to produce accurate magic to my body looking like a tired, worn version of itself. My mind trucks along slower and my reflexes are completely off. Even with all the issues I could list about myself that are troubling, I can't help but feel it's all worth it for the blessing of the gods in my arms.

All the love though doesn't change the fantasy that enters my head as I hold her where I'm the one getting to sleep upstairs instead of being awake right now. I know you've offered to help many times, and have done so without my protests whenever I end up falling asleep for a moment, but I try not to need the assistance too much. You still work with the crew to make sure our trading company stays on task as Poca and Angrath adjust to their new roles, not to mention servicing the needs of our town as they have been looking to us as the creators of the once desolate and ruined village. Despite my insistence that I can handle that too, you've made it very clear (much to my appreciation, not that I'd ever admit it) that if the townsfolk bothered me while I was still adjusting and resting, they'd have to deal with your wraith. Your wraith always amuses me on some level as it's so easy to break. No one else can do it, but just a touch and a look from me and I watch all the anger you hold melt away. Possibly the only magic trick I have that works and I adore the sight every time.

I feel Ana let me go and I pull her up to burp her. It took a few times to learn to make sure I have a spare cloth and my hair up when I do this, but I'm usually prepared for it now. I continue the thought train I'm on while I still can. A small smile spreads across my tired face as I resume thinking about how supportive you've been despite my desire to seem like I have this whole "mothering" thing down pat. I know I should rely on you more, but I try hard to scramble as quietly out of bed as I can to tend to our daughter in the evenings and nights to awaken you as little as possible so you are as well rested as much as you can be.

Realizing Ana has relief, I pull her off of my shoulder and back fully laid in my arms. I stare at her as she starts to drift back off, noticing how much she looks like the beautiful cross between the two of us that you showed me so early on in our pregnancy. My thoughts shift into seeing her as a young child riding with us through the countryside, joining us on errands around the town, playing with the other children, wrapping the rest of our party around her finger, being adored and doted on by her grandparents, and all other things I dream of for her. As I start to slouch down in the hard, wooden seat, I can't help but feel love for her. Through the exhaustion; the work I'm overexerting myself on to maintain her, our home, keep us fed, and any other work that appears at our door; the mad dash to make sure that I try to provide you as stable of a sleep schedule as possible; and the lack of self care I've had for myself, it all seems worth it. I close my eyes as I hold her, accidentally drifting back off myself to sleep, and think, "Yes, the loves of my life are both worth all of it."

I know you'll find me when you wake up and you'll take care of both of us. You always do as this has happened more frequently the last several days. Forever the devoted and loving husband and father you are. I'll adjust though so this won't happen. I'm sure of it in just a few days time. I'll adjust. I have to. I have to be a good mother and wife. I just have to.

heart melts.

---

You stare at me. I can see you staring at me. Concern fills your eyes, face, posture. I see your lips moving, but I don't hear whatever comes out of them. My mind has shut down, closed off. We met you father earlier this evening. He'd been respectable, as one of his status is expected to be, until we shared a moment alone. I had moved to speak his praise for being so happy for us, when he showed his true opinion. He was suddenly unshy to share that he saw me as the charlatan whore I am that trapped his son. There was no way I could truly inhabit the goddess herself, for she would never choose such an unworthy host as he couldn't see a pure bone in my body. He was aware of my past, how I know not. He was able to list just about every dirty deed I'd done. The man was due his props, he had done his homework clearly. Laying out my wrongdoings and claiming I'd never be good enough for his son was enough painful enough to hear before shoving the salt coated dagger in the wound. With acid in his gaze, he guaranteed that I'd make a horrible mother to the bastard we'd created.

I hold my clearly visible bump. I can't shake the words from my head. Hell, I've seen the power of Kiltzi from myself first hand, your own life a show of it, but even that has a shadow of doubt casted on it now. While I love this child, I can't help but wonder if he's right. I do love the adventure, travels, sailing, freedoms of life. I had started to believe that I wanted otherwise, that I wanted to be a housewife and mother, that I was capable of such. But what if this child comes and I realize this is far from what I want? What if it's more than I am capable of?

I escape to my mind's dark dimension. Here, the writings are clear on the walls. I can see proof in all the ways I've shown I could never handle this life. All the ways I'd never be a good mother in front of me, surrounding me. For the gods' sake, I watched Teth offer herself up to enslavement for our actions and did nothing to stop or help her. I didn't even search for another way to handle the situation. I just walked away. Surely that means I didn't care for her like I had thought. What if I don't care for this child like I thought? Should I abandon the child to someone who could love it? Do I run away and let this girl have a chance at a mother who could care for her properly?

I curl up in my favorite corner of the dimension. The thoughts grow darker as I'm there. Maybe I should spare the child her existence. Maybe I should spare her my existence. It'd just be easier to throw myself in my current condition in front of you in battle. With how close you desire me to be for my own protection, it would take two swift steps. Swiftness is not in my vocabulary currently as my center of gravity has begun to shift. I regret the child for taking my nimbleness away from me, even though I know it selfish to do so. She has done nothing intentionally wrong, and yet, I can't help the small feeling in the back of my heart. Your father was right, I would be a cruel mother. Guilt over such starts to gain its power over me, hearing your father's words play in my head constantly. The child doesn't deserve to suffer for having an insolate egg donor. You will find a more suitable mother for her, I am certain of it. My decision is clear to see.

My mind withdraws from the dark dimension now that I know what I should do. All I have to do is wait. When the child comes, as long as I resign to letting my life go, I am certain it will happen. If not... there are other ways. I see you in the path of my vision and my heart aches. I would miss you terribly, you would be miserable until you understood that this was necessary. My heart aches for you, but it knows better than to be fooled by feelings. I stand firm on my decision. It is the best decision to deal with my disgraceful, tasteless, poor, and unworthy life so that those around me may prosper finally. Yes, this is what needs to be done.

My gaze focuses again and finds your eyes as I settle on my choice. With a half smile as if nothing is wrong, I ask you, "I'm so sorry love, did you say something?"

"No love. I didn’t say anything. Did my eyes say something to disturb you? I am so sorry Kitty. Please forgive me. I was worried of what Yulus would say to you. I should have told you my fears but I am ever hopeful things would just work out for us. I feared he would reject you, but there he was, giving us the respect that we deserve. My fears were unfounded. It is I who disrespected you with my doubts. That was why I had to leave you two alone while you two were obviously bonding. I felt so guilty love. Please forgive me?

In my darkness, I talked with Qotal through the crystal. I’ve gotten much better at it since you first tried to teach me to use it. I know you and Kiltzi could talk and understand each other, so I tried hard at first but not believing I could do it. But tonight, I used the crystal easily as you showed me. I talked to Qotal as if he and I loved the same woman and I believe we do. He told me that the world is not large enough to contain his love for Kiltzi as I feel my love is for you. He only had to tell me that and I realized I had no room for doubt in my heart. I love you so.

You have tapped into Kiltzi’s infinite love too. It has always been with you. Even in your love for the party and now with Ana coming and with the whole True World. When we lost Teth to the Druids, I felt one of our family was torn away, but your confidence in her well being showed me that your love had found a way to see to her future well being and that neither you nor I should worry about her. Qotal was very particular about talking about her. He sees her becoming a wise and beautiful woman in our lives. She will be the godmother to Ana, he tells me. He wanted me to tell you that but I see in your eyes full of tears that you have always had the love and knowledge to have known that. She is our family and is wrapped and protected in your love as much as you prepare a protective home for our Ana. Qotal and Kiltzi have found in us a way to be together I. Happiness through us until they can awaken and carry us into the divine Skyhome one day. Oh Kitty forgive me for doubting us. You are the star and the light that shines even when I doubt. You are wife blessed by the gods, the mother of the next generation of gods. I don’t need my father’s blessing to know that. Qotal has told me that. Kiltzi has told him. Everything you have ever done in your life has been a path to this, to me, and I am ever so grateful."

I kiss you as if Qotal and Kiltzi are kissing. I love you Kitty.

New Story:

---

Sight is hazy. Sounds are distant. My eyes don't want to stay open. The only thing I can somewhat focus on is you staring down at me. My eyebrows furrow as I see your lips moving, panic in your face. Finally, I hear part of it.

"My love, keep your eyes open!" you say, your voice full of demand and desperation. I watch your hands move to me, but you're forced to turn and block, dealing with the vampire that was trying to finish the job. We'd walked across Maztica, made it to the House of Tesca, ready to take on whatever our worst enemy had planned for us. Or so we thought. The army of undead we faced was nothing we'd been fully prepared for. Our ragtag team had each of their hands full, no one was able to come to my aide.

"That's okay," I thought to myself in my haze, "I'm tired anyways." I was always tired after a few hours. Our travels had turned into more often myself resting against your chestplate atop our fey steed as I drooled on the shiny steel, needing a nap and our warhorse's sway with your presence was enough to make it happen. Somewhere in my mind, I knew I wasn't just tired, I was hurt. Bad. I would tell myself in any other situation that I was a horrible warlock. I couldn't bring myself to aim clearly and had gotten pinned down and savagely bitten and clawed while already hurting from taking a spell to protect our rogue. The screams I didn't even hear myself making alerted you to the situation, immediately pulling the pale abomination off me and critically slicing it in half. You wanted to lay your hands on me, but healing had to repeatedly wait as vampire after vampire got past our attempted barrier, forcing you to protect what was left of my life; which wasn't much.

Despite my barely abled body's slow movements, I'm able to act before you. Just inside my reach, I touch your steel boot as I mumble an incantation that is unintelligible at this point. I watch a light golden aura wash over you as the protection of good and evil keeps you safer from any of the undead's tricks. With this, I let a small smile cross my face, content with my ability to protect you for at least a few minutes. I close my eyes, feeling unable to do much more, my own ability to stay present hanging on by a thread. You're in my ear as your hands rest on my chest.

"Stay with-" I open my eyes to see your mouth agape, frozen where you'd stopped speaking. Several emotions flit across your face: shock, fear, anger, finally settling on dread. You ran out of spell slots when you prayed for the divine smite to protect me. Your healing touch isn't working. "Kitty, my love, please don't leave me," I hear you beg as you pick up my head in your left hand, already on the verge of shedding a river of tears. Your right hand flies to my stomach, reminding me that despite the world of people and undead around us, we aren't alone. Your fingers dig into my skin just under my armor where the first true signs of a belly had started to show, something we'd celebrated the whole week through.

Weakly, I finally speak. "I never wanted to, but I have no choice."

"No, I can fix this! It'll be okay! You both will be okay!!"

"Duke, you need to go help keep the others alive." My eyebrows furrow at you, my sense of self-concern still at the bottom of the list even in this moment.

"Not until you're fighting right behind me! You have to be there to leave neck kisses when you bless me! We have to have Ana, raise her together!"

The statement and the pain in you, my loving husband's face, send tears down the sides of my face. We had a plan to have a whole crew of children, and here I'd failed you before we'd even met our first one. I feel the poison, it's coming for my heart. I try hard to fight it, but the roll of luck just isn't with me. With a quiet sob, I breathe, "I love you both more than anything else. I'm so sorry my love." And with that, my heavy lids close. I hear you screaming my name as sound fades to nothing while my head falls to the side. All that's left is a light in the distance, a small figure standing at it waiting for me already. I see half of you in her and I know without a doubt it's our daughter.

I pick up my foot and take my first step in her direction as she calls to me. I must go to the light...

I watch as Kitty and Duke make their way to the Pyramid of the Gods. The hoards of undead that Elena throws at them will be nothing compared to the demons Coatlicue will have ready for them, but still, they falter. I need my mother to know how important she is to this mission, but at a crucial moment she fumbles a spell that I had taught her. I have to intercede but I cannot as yet come into the material plane in my own body as yet. There is so much for me to do and Duke is not protecting her enough. Why is it that Qotal is so powerful and he cannot do this one thing, protect my mother? You have one job! Sigh. He is weak.

I await. You come to me with mind dazed. My divine spark brightens to you in this eternal dusk of my adopted land, the Shadowfell. Here I can travel the world and watch over the material plane from all angles. It is lonely here, but a few venture in. Plutoq is one. He comes and goes and does not bother me.

"Hello mother. What is that smile of relief that you bear? Do you not see the Mistress of Darkness and still fear me? Ah, yes. Kalu's Zone of Truth. You asked to see my true form and now see only that. Does it disturb you?

You must go back Kitsune. It is not time yet to come to my land. I am in desperate need to come to yours. You must complete your quest and use the Chalice before I can come, mother!

You are wounded. I am so sorry. You are not able to heal yourself? Ah, the tiloni threads weave in your double nature. Then I know what to do."

I reach into the material plane through your tiloni path to the one next to your body. I do not see it, but I can feel it. I know the desperate state of it. I know that tiloni well. Pulling it through the same rift, I bring Kalu into the Shadowfell.

I cry out to the gods and one answers me. It propels me along a tiloni path to you. Before you I see a small child with a feather in her hair. How can this be? I am don't understand. Why is she here!

"Kitty. Come back. This place is so cold!"

I see the tiloni threads and touch them. Kiltzi answers and heals my wife. I pull her back to Maztica and hold her in my arms, weeping tears into your hair.

The Mistress of Darkness appears mildly annoyed that I don't have any fear as she's accustomed to. I realize she aren't exactly one in the same as Ana as they share the double tiloni, but it doesn't take the joy and calm from my heart to see my flesh and blood standing in front of me. I smile down as I run my hands through her hair. "I'm sure if I were still living, it would bother me. Here and now, it's so wonderful to see the child I didn't get to bring into the world. My heart is full of love. Although, honestly, you never scared me truly to begin with."

My eyebrows furrow as I listen to your words. I want to argue that I can't go back if I'm dead, that no one on the field can Revivify me, but before I can express this, I feel a strange, tingly sensation. Quickly, that feeling leaves as my loving better half appears beside me. How is this possible? He couldn't have died that fast! Did time not exist the same way here? I look at you confused. How can I just come back? I feel like I'm being left out of a joke that only you two understand before I feel myself yanked away from the other tiloni of my child.

With a deep breath, air once again fills my lungs. The sound of war is everywhere, but I'm surrounded by your embrace as you sob onto my head. I'm alive. The realization is slow to set in, but heavy once it does. Wrapping my arms around you, I hold on as if it's the only way to keep living, crying against your chest. With wet cheeks, I pull back to grab your own tear riddled face and kiss you as if it were our wedding day already, no, as I did the night we mated to each other forever. Our love expressed everything: our need for each other, the desire to never be apart like that again, the way our hearts beat for our true loves. Finally, our lips part and I look up to you.

"Ana," I start to ask, unsure that I saw what I did. We get no chance to discuss it as you pull me closer to shield check an undead as it approaches. With it on the ground, you pull us both to our feet as we wordlessly agree to refocus on the chaos around us. Despite not even being together for a year and married even less time. Being tilonimates allows us to move in sync without trying, me always being within a few feet of your protection. The bond and love between us propels us forward, enough so much that we're able to gain an advantage. Before long, Elena watches her numbers dwindle rapidly as we approach her. With my hand on your shoulder, side by side, we face her for the last time as our gods join their avatars for this battle. Smiles spread on our faces, we know we've won.

New Writing:

---

"No," I mumbled in my sleep. We’d ended up at opposite ends of the bed as we always do once we’re sleeping. I was tossing and turning, deep frown on my face as I try to fend off the nightmare terrorizing me. I can’t seem to wake up...

I’m bound to an alter with you a few feet away. I stare at you with pleading eyes. "Dukalu," I cry out as you stare back at me. You’re bound yourself to a column to my left with a tortured look in your eyes. That’s when Camazotz came into my field of view, stalking over to you, placing it under your grin, forcing you to look at him. "I don’t want you to miss a second of the show, lover boy," he cheerily said, ready to exact his plan.

We’d been given an opening and took it. We were inside the First Man’s Temple, awaiting his appearance as he’d been on the verge of death. What we hadn’t expected was him to conquer our team. We turned to take him on, but he was ready. He misted into the spot behind you, slamming a danger into your side. I blasted him, but he just turned his focus on me, picking me up by the neck and slamming my body into the alter. The impact to my body left me feeling breathless and seeing stars. I tried to recover fast, but you were tied up quickly before he slammed me down again and tied me up.

He returned his attention from you to me again, ready to put his show on. Meticulously, he used the dagger to cut my armor off before ripping my top open. I lay there in just a bra, my clothing thrown to my sides as he drags the dagger across my chest and down my stomach, as if trying to decide where to cut first. I start to struggle hard against my bindings, but it’s futile. He looks up at me and a twisted grin spreads across his face. "You’ll make a beautiful wife."

"I will never be your wife," I spit back as the fear of what he’s about to do starts to set in.

"We shall see about that."

He traces along my recently protruding bump. Without meaning to, I start begging him not to do it, but he cares not for my wants. Without warning, the dagger slices into my lower abdomen, sending a scream from my throat that can be heard for mines. The pain is blinding as he continues to cut into me. I try to thrash in pain, but it does nothing to cease the torture. Minutes that feel like eternity pass in endless pain. I feel myself get weaker as I’m about to succumb to the darkness, but that’s when I feel a tugging motion and all the pain and screaming stops. Into the sudden, he announces with false sympathy, "I’m very sorry to tell you that your child didn’t make it. No matter. Now, I just wait for your blood loss to take over and you’re mine."

As he’s left my mangled torso on display, it doesn’t take long for me to feel death coming for me. I start to sob to you, begging for help, wishes of not wanting to die, screaming for my now born but gone child. Nothing changes, I am in no control. Everything is happening and I can’t stop it. I watch the smile of success spread across his face as I feel my eyelids close, the soft "no" of protest barely audible as the world turns to black.

My eyes shoot open as I struggle against my bindings, my voice screaming at the top of my lungs. That’s when I hear you call my name and I stop. I’m tense and panting from exertion as I take in my surroundings. I’m sitting up in our bed, and according to our ceiling, it’s the middle of the night. I’m in our tent, not an item in it out of place, the fire just barely flickering as it keeps our space just warm enough. I feel my bindings around my shoulders tighten and realize that I’m in your arms. One of my hands flies to my stomach and I can feel she’s still there, safely held away from the dangers of our world. With this, I collapse into your arms as sobs escape my throat and tears roll freely down my cheeks, clinging onto you now as if I’ll fall back into the dream if I don’t. You hold me, my face buried into your neck, breathing in your scent and trying to stay in reality.

It was just a dream...