Candlekeep

I see plenty of warriors pick up one of those heavy two-handers and happily charge off only to be caught in the first volley of arrows. How hard you can swing doesn't matter a lick of spit if you die before you get to use it. Remember: a shield is your best friend! Never go into battle without it.

If you really hate getting stabbed or shot, you can always take some training and specialize in using your armor well. Knowing how to care for it and get the most out of each link or scale could save your life!

I recently read that Armorer's Handbook... book, and being something of a militant sage myself I figured I'd counter his offensive slander with some facts of my own.

If you're thinking this much about fighting, surely you're smart enough to have a cleric friend around. So who cares if you die? There's no better way to go than taking as big a bite out of your enemy as you can! Get your hands on a maul, and nobody will be able to stand in your way. Especially if you study with a master like ME.

How is it that one can dedicate their entire life to the study of a school of magic and come out feeling so... unfulfilled? Abjuration magic, the most defensive of the schools. Supposedly the best for keeping people alive. And yet... look at the casters of divine magic! Spells like shield of faith would have done more to keep my last party alive than any of my other spells, yet in spite of it being an abjuration spell I have NO way to cast it... Don't divine casters have all the luck!

Throughout history, some people have had things and other people have wanted those things. But where most would gaze upon that arrangement and see an inescapable life of unfulfillment, Ominifis Hereward "Omin" Dran saw a business opportunity. Thus was Acquisitions Incorporated born. In the years since, Omin and longtime employee (though less-longtime friend) James Winifred "Jim" Darkmagic III have turned a talent for redistribution of property into a reputation as the multiverse’s premier adventurers for hire.

Acquisitions Incorporated began as most adventuring groups do, with the wholesale removal of irksome kobolds, scouting ruined towers, delving into dwarven necropolis-cities, and abandoning wounded goblin hirelings named Splug to a terrible fate. The usual stuff. But in short order, Acq Inc traded kobolds for dragons, and upgraded ruined towers to eldritch temples. As the company grew, so too did its demand for willing and able-bodied adventurers. However, a limited payroll meant having to settle for one or the other.

After coming to the conclusion that a mission statement best described as "minion harvesting" sent the wrong message, Acquisitions Incorporated started an internship program. In accordance with the truism "you get what you pay for," the very first Acq Inc intern died on his second assignment with the company. But like all good leaders, Omin Dran understood that truisms cut two ways, and he led the remaining team on a legendary trek through the Nine Hells to recover the soul of said intern. (Clearly, none of those hells paid for him either.)

The rogue Viari is one of Acquisitions Incorporated’s best internship success stories. In fact, he was so successful that he remained the company’s flagship intern for nearly a decade. He first joined Acquisitions Incorporated during an expedition into the Undermountain dungeons of Halaster Blackcloak (who, due to an ongoing defamation suit, we can no longer refer to as "the Mad Mage"). From regrowing his own arm after an unfortunate incident with the Apocalypse Dagger, to wrangling dinosaurs to win street races, Viari has earned something far more valuable than a regular salary with Acq Inc. He’s earned on-the-job experience.

Disclaimer: This book does NOT, in fact, share information on how to obtain babies through barter, but rather gives advice on bartering that even a baby could understand.

A note scribbled on the inside cover reads: This book doesn't even mention the word 'barter' once, other than the disclaimer. Why do we even have this book? Must ask for money back - Ulraunt

Chapter 1: Goats

Did you know that a suit of plate armor costs 1,500 gold pieces? Absurd! You know how to better spend that money? Goats. A goat costs 1 mere gold piece, and its reasonable to assume that when paying 1,500 gold that the seller would throw in a couple hundred extra. And so, instead of armoring yourself, you could have your own army/meat shield of nearly 2,000 goats! Which is more than enough to kill a dragon, I assure you. And once you have the dragon's hoard (which the surviving goats can help you to carry out), you can buy even more goats...