The Pancake War

The battle lines are drawn. The Pancake War is about to begin!

Out on the back porch, Lady Sheridan "Sherry" Du Sang and Yola Oleander are sitting in their rocking chairs, sipping tea. "Oh, dearie me," Yola says. "It looks like Hey Kid is up to some mischief again. I daresay that things are about to get messy, dear Sherry."

Sherry laughs acerbically. "I wonder how the old witch is going to put that rapscallion in their place this time. This ought to be an entertaining afternoon!"

Tiny little heads begin popping out of burrows as the Rabbits in the Garden, Who Wear Little Outfits, emerge, twitching their little noses. "Mmm! I smell something delicious," Colonel declares. "Are those pancakes?" asks Sheila. "I'm getting hungry," Poppet chimes in.

In the lobby, Mr. Boggs tries his best to ignore the burgeoning conflict, drops of rain from the cloud around his head slowly soaking the upholstery of the chair he is reclining in. Niviana "Viv" of Ilyn, the Lady of the Lake, hides behind her hair as she listens to music on her Walkman.

And in the gift shop, the fairy Monday peers out of the window at Hey Kid's cardboard palace. They grin widely. "Oh, ho! This is going to be fun!"

Parish sighs. Cooking breakfast for the B&B is supposed to be his time of quiet and meditation, happily creating fun treats for guests and residents alike. Now, it is job, a duty! Preparations for War! In accordance with Yazeba's orders, Parish has made eggs. All of the eggs. All of the ways. Chicken, duck, and quail eggs have been scrambled, poached, and fried. Quiches and frittatas cover the countertops. Parish sighs again. He just wanted to make a nice breakfast.

Yazeba settles against the railing of the porch. It's the perfect place to keep an eye on things without getting too close to Hey Kid's line of fire. That child has far too much power and far too little sense.

She pulls out a cigar, clips the end, and lights it with a beat-up old lighter. She could do it with magic, sure, but there's a ritual in doing things the old-fashioned way. "I trust you two will help me give that child a heavy dose of reality," she grumbles to Amelie and Parish as he wheels out the egg-laden breakfast cart.

She puffs a billow of smoke which forms agitated loops and whirls around her, untouched by the light breeze. "Ungrateful brat," she grumbles before raising her voice to rally her troops: "Enough of this nonsense! It's time to show Hey Kid what it takes to be a real business owner! Foes afire!"

Amelie looks to Yazeba and says, Programming conflict, always prevent potential messes, never disobey a command from Yazeba. Please alter my programming to better assist in this task." She’s conflicted and utterly confused about what to do.

"Please assist this unit. Lack of assistance will mean this unit will have to do nothing"

---

Dog Dog N’Dog faithfully sits next to their person. All three pup faces look to Hey Kid with soulful love and adoration. This is their person and they will always be there for them.

A hind leg absently scratches at an itch.

Yazeba sighs the sigh of a person absolutely done with the day already. "This whole business is to prevent a mess," she explains. "Hey Kid is causing the mess and encouraging others to be messy too! It's up to us to stop it."

She presses a broom into Amelie's hand and nudges her forward along the deck. "Just... Hold the deck. Figuratively! And stop asking me to change your programming!"

Sherry and Yola chuckle and sip their tea as Yazeba shoves Amelie out onto the porch, taking the first steps in advancing towards Hey Kid's rival bed and breakfast.

Robin doesn't really understand what's going on. Why would Hey Kid, a notoriously flammable person, make a hotel out of cardboard? It's certainly not up to code, which Robin finds stressful, but Hey Kid has been so kind to him recently that he's willing to support his young friend's foolishness!

Besides, pancakes are interesting! Robin has grand ambitions to make them himself one day. If he could just manipulate his hands to be a little more delicate, he's pretty sure he could brand them with little pictures. Perhaps there will be leftovers that would go to waste without his experimentation...

He sees Yazeba push Amelie off the front porch and frowns. "Don't worry, Hey Kid, she won't get past me!" he promises. Robin carefully moves forward to block her path. He's not sure what he'll do if she rushes past him or tries to touch him (oh who is he kidding, he knows he'll be too slow and too worried about hurting her!), but surely a tall, bulky lava elemental in the way would be enough to make anyone think twice!

Amelie and Robin stare each other down from the opposite decks of the rival bed and breakfasts. The air is thick with tension!

Amelie tentatively takes a step forward. She notices some leaves and the like and gives them a good sweeeping. "Territory secured. Note: This unit is clearly incapable of defeating Robin. Additionally even if I were there is a certain strange ache in my processors about the idea of harming the kind one. Is there a higher strategy madam?" She really isn’t exactly wanting to do this but she’s following directives.

---

Dog Dog N’Dog sees a butterfly and begins chasing it and barking. The intruder must be defeated! *Bark* They run around everywhere in circles until the butterfly finally drifts off.

"Pshaw, Robin isn't going to hurt you," Yazeba scoffs. "Just don't move until one of you collapses from sheer politeness overload."

She eyes Amelie, then Parish. They're both clearly reluctant, which doesn't make sense because Yazeba is obviously in the right here. She takes another deep drag of her cigar before reluctantly setting it on a lumpy ashtray to burn out. Her frown deepens as she eyes the hand-made ashtray; it's an ugly hand-made thing Hey Kid presented to her like the world's greatest treasure some years ago. When did Hey Kid stop being so agreeable, she wonders for a second before remembering all of the shenanigans they've gotten up to over the years.

There's nothing for it. If you want someone to learn a lesson, you'd best be prepared to put on your teaching hat. Yazeba stomps down the porch towards the field.

"That's the spirit, Yazeba, dear!" Monday calls as the witch takes the field. The fairy grins and waves from the window of the gift shop. "Show that small child you mean business!"

"It's nothing personal," Robin assures Amelie as he takes another step forward. "Hey Kid is my friend, so I'm doing this to validate their exploration of their independence. I tested boundaries when I was their age too, and I wish I'd had a friend to stick by me."

He takes another step forward, his posture screaming reluctance. "You know, you could always join us! There's always room for more friends!"

Just as Robin's foot comes down, Yazeba loudly scoffs at his ridiculous heartfelt comment. Robin flinches backwards and starts to turn red - literally - with embarrassment. The dry grass beneath his feet combusts with a whoosh, leaving a large, burnt circle in Yazeba's lawn. The witch's eye twitches as Robin hurries to apologize. "I didn't mean to! I'll help fix it," he promises as he stumbles back and fails to gain new territory.

As Robin stumbles and struggles, the trio of Rabbits in the Garden, Who Wear Little Outfits, emerge from Hey Kid's hotel, bellies full of tasty pancakes! Colonel has swapped out his floral shirt for an old-timey military jacket, and he thrusts his furry paw towards the garden. "Come, friends! We must defend this delicious house of flapjacks! The garden is our territory. Let us hold the line!"

"Yes, sir!" the other rabbits declare as they hop into a defensive formation!

Amelie looks to Robin and nods, "Understandable, this unit does not have friends. I am a servant to Yazeba and must follow my programming. I will do my best to follow my instructions."

She moves forward to attempt to take territory.

Amelie starts to move forward when a little ding sounds. She looks down and sighs as her power fades and she shuts down.

Instead of continuing down the field track, Yazeba glares at Robin for daring to attempt to poach her underling teammate before stomping over to check on Amelie.

"Flickering fuses," she curses as she gives her a once-over. "Nothing wrong... Fickle circuits... Heat-sensitive fuses... Honestly..." she mumbles nearly inaudibly as she works. When Amelie inevitably reboots, Yazeba looks her deep in her frontal sensors and says seriously, "You are not a servant. You're just not allowed to disobey direct orders. Now, continue your task and continue to gain territory."

With those conflicting statements made, Yazeba retreats back to the lonely field track.

---

Meanwhile, Robin continues to do his best, despite his previous gaff. He takes a few deep, cooling breaths before continuing forward.

One of Robin's teammates (Hey Kid?) comes up from behind as Robin is moving forward and stuffs a pancake into his hand. The pancake begins to burn in his still-too-hot fingers and Robin panics! His first instinct is to protect the pancake from further damage by throwing it as far away from his fiery body as possible!

SPLAT.

Unfortunately, that turns out to be straight into Yazeba's retreating back. The witch's head turns ever so slowly, her eyes as large and luminous as a very angry owl. Robin freezes, his outer skin hardening protectively as he's caught in her glare. Hey Kid's hotel had better work out because he's not certain he'll be invited back inside Yazeba's hotel after this!

"Oh, dear! Shots have been fired!" Yola Oleander cries as Yazeba is hit by the pancake. "Who would have thought it would be our dear, sweet Robin who would launch the opening salvo?"

"I just hope he hasn't started something he can't finish. Hell hath no fury like a witch scorned," says Lady Sherry, rocking in her chair and sipping her tea.

Forget the field track. Yazeba has been gravely insulted and can't allow such things to stand! She does an about-turn and strides back to Amelie. "Really, Robin?" she says, her voice low and menacing. "You want to escalate?"

Robin doesn't reply. It's not because he doesn't want to, but he's rather locked himself in place. In the battle between fight or flight, he has clearly chosen option 3: freeze.

Yazeba takes another step forward, not intimidated by the lava elemental in the slightest, and tries to claim territory.

Yazeba waves her hands and cold wind swirls around her, whooshing forward to blow at Robin. Predictably, this does not successfully push him out of the way. Instead, it solidifies him even further; Robin is absolutely not budging from the path.

"Frozen fusspots!" Yabeba swears. The wind stills as Yazeba calms her magic. Perhaps a more mundane approach might be called for... "Alright Amelie, you're up," she says. "I believe in you and whatnot..."

Suddenly, Hey Kid rushes out of the Hey Kid Hostel, grinning maniacally. Their apron is splattered with pancake batter and their hair is a mess, but they seem to be having the time of their life. "Don't worry, Robin! I'm here! Let's show that mean old witch we mean business!"

Hey Kid darts through Robin's legs as they claim the territory along the deck path. Standing face-to-face with Amelie, they look up at the robotic maid and gesture with their spatula. "Bring it on!"

Amelie attempts to proceed forward. She pulls out a floppy disk and says, "Downloading new skill..." A meter shows on her face as the skill downloads until it finishes and she says, "This unit now knows Kung Fu!" and proceeds to use the newly acquired skill to toss Hey Kid.

Unfortunately, Amelie does, indeed, "bring it on." Hey Kid may have the speed, but Amelie has the strength and kung fu skills! The robot plucks the devilish child up by the apron strings and casually tosses them back towards their hostel before moving forward to where Robin stands guard. "Oof! Hey, no fair! Robin! Dog, Dog, n'Dog! Get 'em!"

Dog Dog N'Dog growls and jumps into the fray. All three heads tugging on one of Amelie's legs as the adorable three headed pup does its best to pull her back down the path.

Hey Kid's team is rallying. This is unacceptable. Yazeba crosses her arms and in her most commanding voice tells Dog, Dog, n'Dog to SIT.

Dog, Dog, n'Dog does not sit.

...

Yazeba remains standing and glaring. Her foot taps impatiently as she waits for Dog, Dog, n'Dog to comply.

...

Any minute now. A good trainer knows that you only give a command once!

...

"You are a bad dog," she informs Dog, Dog, n'Dog. "And you!" She turns to Hey Kid. "I'm warning you that you can only keep that mutt if you train it! Show some responsibility for once in your life! The only reason this has gone on for so long is because my 'teammate' can't even keep her power on!"

She whirls on her heel and stomps back to the porch. Leading from behind is more her style anyways.

Hey Kid sticks their tongue out at Yazeba's retreating back. Then they grin and pat Dog, Dog, n'Dog on the heads. "Good boy! Hold the line! I'm gonna help the Rabbits!"

The fiendish child high fives the Rabbits as they push further ahead into the garden!

Amelie proves Yazeba correct as she says, "Apologies mistress Yazeba…program protocols continue to fail. Please repro…." She doesn’t even get the last line out as she shuts down again.

Yazeba lets out a strangled cry of frustration. "Fumbling for-loops!" she grumps. "Maybe I really should do some debugging..." She changes trajectory slightly, aiming for the garden path to head off Hey Kid's team where they're currently frolicking through the fennel unchecked.

Before she reaches the track, however, Yazeba notices the delicious breakfast tray Parish had so carefully brought out at the start of the battle. She reaches deep inside for her power. She should stay on the porch, shouldn't she? Running around doesn't seem to be doing much good, and it's highly undignified. So Yazeba pulls the cart over to the stairs and takes careful aim.

"Foes a-fire!"

The breakfast cart goes sailing off the porch, its wheels frantically turning in a shower of green sparks. It's only as it hits the ground that Yazeba realizes her mistake; The breakfast cart was not built for off-roading! Eggs begin shooting off of it like popcorn as the cart makes a mad dash toward the gardens. It loses one wheel to a pothole, the next to a decorative rock Hey Kid insisted on placing directly in the middle of the path. Finally, it spins out and comes to an inglorious halt just beside the carrots, a trail of breakfast debris in its wake.

As Amelie shuts down and Yazeba sputters, a light laughter fills the air. Monday emerges from the B&B, wings fluttering as they alight beside the witch. "Oh, dear me! You seem to be having some trouble, Yazeba. Don't worry, I'll give you a hand. We can discuss the price of my assistance later."

Smirking, Monday moves to the garden to try to halt Hey Kid's advance.

Hey Kid smears blueberry jam on their face… intended to appear as streaks of woad, but of course they overdo it, leaving only a single wedge of unjammed flesh from forehead to left nostril.

They mount Dog, Dog and Dog, and raise a jam-stained spatula overhead.

"The oppressor may have taken some ground. But she will never.. take… OUR PANCAKES!"

A rabbit in a kilt looks at a rabbit in a plaid schoolgirl jumper. The schoolgirl rabbit exchanges shrugs with Kilt Rabbit, who says, "I dunno. She does have a kung-fu robot."

"Aw, blow it out your bagpipe, Kilt Rabbkit! I’m trying to rally yous guys!"

Kilt Rabbit takes the cue and plays his bagpipe. "NNNNWWHHIIRRRRRRRRNNNNNNNNNNNNNN…!"

It’s extremely difficult to hear anything else Hey Kid says as they ride their trusty steed back and forth before the gaggle. Only the loudest words are intelligible:

"Somethingy something FORRRR..?"

The gaggle replies, "Peace," "Freedom,", "Pancakes," "Something," and "What?"

Hey Kid points to the opposing team. "AND WHO something something?"

The gaggle replies, "Her," "Them," "You," "Us," "Not her!?!" and "Louder!"

Hey Kid shouts, "SOMETHINNNNNNNGGGGGGG….!!!"

Dog, Dog and Dog ride forward—The rabbits follow, shouting "BWWWWAAAAA!!" in order to amplify Kilt Rabbit’s overbearing, discordant amateur bagpipery, which is sure to drive the witch and her ilk away. (Their sensitive bunny ears can barely tolerate it.)

Hey Kid rides forth, but Dog, Dog and Dog buck mid-pancake toss!

The pancake hits Kilt Rabbit’s bagpipe.

"FFFRRRMMMTTTwwwrrrnnn..*"

The other rabbits stop BWAA-ing and look at each other awkwardly. Schoolgirl Rabbit slowly back-steps…The rest of the rabbits follow her.. and quickly, they ALL get hoppin’!Hey Kid shouts, "Don’t run away! Run that way! I didn’t put all this jam on my face so we would lose! AAAAH!! It’s in my left eye and *snerk* right nostril! WHYYYYYY??!! EVERYTHING IS UNFAIR!! The wind totally made my pancake fly the wrong way! ‘Wind’ should be called ‘losed’ cuz IT RUINED MY MOMENT!! That moment was MINE! MINNNE!!!"

Dog Dog N’ Dog gives a hearty woof and then proceeds to lick the Jam off of Hey Kid’s face. The triple headed beast is having a great time today.

Hey Kid finds that dog tongue, dog tongue and dog tongue tickles his nose and calms his nerves.

The perfect distraction for the frog knight to hop into action! "There are advantages to having been transformed," he explains to Monsieur LeCafé and other inanimate objects about his makeshift outdoor Battle-Kitchen. "I was once ironclad and oafish. But now, I am camouflaged to the greenery, and my legs are so sleek and springy that… they can take me anywhere.

"Just not to another French Chef’s kitchen. That would not do." He shakes his head slowly, making eye contact with the image of a lady on the butter container’s label. He politely bows to her, and then—

—there may be a rustling in the grass. Probably just the wind.

What’s that in the sky? A divot, no doubt, soaring in the air in delayed reaction to last summer’s impromptu golf tournament.

Is that a woodpecker in the overhead tree? Did it knock down a bees’ nest? Because surely, surely it isn’t the sound of a buzzsaw, hammer, turning wheels and—"Voilà!" Parish leaps in triumph, into the driver’s seat of his Food Go-Kart! The cart is made of roughly cut wood from the firewood pile (and three slices of tree stump and an oversized stale doughnut for the wheels). There’s a sign on it which currently reads UN CHARIOT PLEIN DE CRÊPES, but the paint is wet so who knows what it will say five minutes from now?

Parish is living the moment, pedaling furiously with those gangly little legs that shall never be breaded and fried. "Never! Hahaha!"

The wooden spoon with a moustache painted on it has no idea what Parish is laughing about. For it is only a spoon.

Robin's skin cracks and peels, a layer of ash flaking off and freeing his firey form from his impromptu game of statues. "Oh my!" he says as he notices Parish's cart careening down the path. Well, who better to stand in the way of a wooden object? He moves forward, trusting Hey Kid to hold the center path.

Robin has never been more wrong about his abilities in his life. The cart shoots forward, and he loses his nerve. What if Parish is going so fast that he can't stop before careening into Robin's body? What if the cart is too flammable and erupts into an inferno that roasts poor Parish alive? What if -

squeaAAAAK

Robin's train of thought abruptly terminates as he steps on Dog, Dog, n'Dog's squeaky toy. He totters back and falls onto his rear, landing on a discarded, syrupy pancake with a wet squelch.

Dog Dog N’ Dog hears the sound that means it is TIME FOR BATTLE. The three headed dog runs to the toy and grabs it. Three heads each take a bite *squeak* *squeak* *squeak* then one head grabs it away from the others and the creature frolics with it some before turning up on its back and savaging the toy some more. The toy continues its squeaky death throes and Dog Dog N’ Dog continues its valiant battle. The squeaky toy shall be defeated!

With their face no longer taking a licking, Hey Kid is bolstered by Dog Dog ‘n’ Dog’s (or Dogs’) Battle Mode.

"I’ll lob ingredients at the food go kart," they think to themself (and say aloud because internal monologues are too quiet).

…but Hey Kid can’t find any eggs. "Well, I’m not gonna hunt for ’em. That’ll take FOREVER!"

Amelie gets distracted and starts picking up all of the pancakes. "What a mess, how did anyone think that this was a good idea. It’s just so dirty."

Not really thinking about it she picks Yazeba herself up, moves her from her spot, up and begins cleaning off the witch as well.

Parish points his moustached spoon forward as he pedals his contraption toward Hey Kid Hotel territory.

Parish can’t steer while carrying a wooden spoon, for he is just a little frog!

He crashes into a huge tree stump and goes flying over the handlebars as his food go-kart bursts to splinters!

"SACRE BLEUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU…"…and head-first into the pond.

Sherry and Yola share hearty laughter and sip their tea as they watch the mishaps continuing to pile up!

Dog Dog N' Dog are a good dog. They take a last bite of the squeaky toy, and it no longer makes any sound. They have triumphed!

They proceed to march forward sit on a new square whereupon drop the defeated chew toy at Hey Kid's feet and look up at them with six sets of puppy eyes. Clearly, ever so clearly, they deserve a scritch!

Good boy!

Yazeba sputters as she is hoisted and cleaned. "Amelie... AMELIE!! I am not a pancake!"

She fiddles with her clothing to get it back in place, then strides to the edge of the deck.

"LISTEN UP, GUESTS!" she bellows. When she's sure she's caught at least one guest's attention, she continues. "You may think this is fun and games, but look at the damage being done! Carts in shambles! Scorch marks in the lawn! Dogs getting taught to misbehave! And for what?" She makes a grand gesture towards Hey Kid's "hotel". "For a building made of cardboard? How many of you could even reach your rooms without burning or falling through the floor? Which of you would enjoy sleeping in the rain? Hmm? This has clearly gone far enough!"

Yazeba's words seem to resonate with her guests. Mr. Boggs sighs and straightens his tie. "Your arguments are logical. I will assist as best I can." The business man steps onto the field of battle, umbrella raised to keep the rain from the cloud around his head from fogging up his glasses. He closes with Dog, Dog, n'Dog, but then he stops and hesitates. "There's three of him and only one of me. Hmm. I think I'm at a disadvantage here. Perhaps I better recalculate my approach..."Behind Mr. Boggs, Viv, the Lady of the Lake, quietly makes her way out of the B&B. She looks at the befuddled businessman from behind her hair, shrugs, and simply steps past him to claim the territory in front of the three-headed hell hound pup.

Hey Kid sees the tides are turning. They gotta think fast—

"Am I here to get dollars or what?" The answer is ‘what.’ "Why do I need money when I pirate the latest video games the day before release?

"Hey Robin! At Hey Kid Hotel, WE pay YOU to stay! What does THAT tell you about our place?"

They give Robin a bag of chocolate coins. Hey Kid eats a chocolate coin as they take over the garden!

All of the empty territory has been claimed now. The battles lines have been drawn. Whose team will prevail?!?

Yazeba sees her team rallying past the broken remains of the cart, her opposition distracted by squeaky toys or their own clumsiness. She strides right up to Hey Kid and crosses her arms.

"You fought a good fight, but sometimes you need to pick your battles more carefully. Next time just ask if you can make pancakes the night before. It's not fair to ask Parish to serve you special food when he's already made something else," she chastises the child. Her hand darts out, and she glares at it as if she isn't the one in control as she gives Dog, Dog, n'Dog a scritch on one of its heads.

Assuming that Hey Kid has seen the light, she gives a curt nod before turning and heading back to the porch to collect her cigar, which miraculously survived the chaos. She tucks it carefully back in its case, shakes her head once more at the state of the place, and retreats into the B&B.

Hey Kid hangs their head in shame. But they already ate pancakes during battle, soooo… no real loss if—

"I know you’re a woman of your word." They throw in an "I’m sorry" then make their move.

"Cannimake pancakes tamarra?!"

Hey Kid figures they just gotta ask Parish this every night, and if they feel like actually making pancakes come morning, they can.

And thus, Yazeba and her allies emerged victorious! It turned out that Hey Kid Hotel was a little too cold and not quite fun enough. Hey Kid and their teammates rejoined the Bed & Breakfast. There were no hard feelings, though! And that is the story of the Pancake War!

"You know what? I'd be happy to help! I haven't told anyone before - although I suppose it may have been obvious - but I really want to do the baking around here!"

Robin claps Hey Kid on the shoulder. It's really nice to have a fire-proof friend, he thinks.

"I thought asking Yazeba would be too scary, but look what we did here! She was furious, but nothing bad happened! Thanks for believing in me!"

Robin pulls Hey Kid in for a big bear hug, then heads back up to his room, already deep in thought. He has pastries and cakes and pancakes to prepare for: oh my!