Sal Has Written a Play

And so, those who were interested in taking part in the play huddle around Sal as he pondered who would be best suited to play each of the roles he had come up with. Gertrude and Parish are there, along with one of the B&B's latest guests, the esteemed movie star Demi Gorgone! Her recent arrival had caused quite the stir, and many of the other guests have been starstruck with her in their midst.

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From outside the B&B comes the ringing of a flying bicycle's bell. Moments later, Yazeba herself strides into the den, returned after a long period away on "witchy business." The witch is already lighting up one of her favored expensive cigars, but she stops short when she sees the small gathering. "Flouncing flautists! What, pray tell, are you lot up to?"

Once somebody explains Sal is staging a play in the living room, Yazeba scowls. She takes a long drag from her cigar, then blows out a cloud of smoke. "A play, is it? Well, you're not putting on a show without me. This is my house, after all. I demand you give me a part, Sal."

Mr. Boggs has been sitting in a corner, his ever-present raincloud only misting at the moment. With the weather already damp, perhaps it didn't feel the need to add more gloomy moisture to the scene?

He scribbles in a notebook with quick, precise strokes, his tie tight, his brow furrowed. If someone were to ask what he was doing, he'd snap the notebook closed, and reply: "Complex actuarial formulae."

The truth? He's drawing stick figures.

One group of stick figures is assaulting the castle of another group of stick figures. Since the time period appears to be Medieval, the expected methods of warfare are being used: catapults and archers for the attackers, boiling oil and archers (yes, again; a good archer is hard to beat, as Mr. Boggs has learned during this pencil-drawn war) for the defenders.

Is he bored? No. Perish the thought. He's simply...resting his high-powered mind. One can only compile so many statistics, prepare so many reports, before one needs a break.

He then hears something about a play, and he stirs in his seat. Suppose he claimed a part...tapped into deep emotions...perhaps met the love of his life...fictional love, of course...but then again, who knows what could happen...plenty of people fell in love after working together on a movie or play....

But then his boredom pulls him back down like quicksand, and he adds more detail to an already lethal ballista.

Muttering: "A play? Terrible allocation of resources. Few of them end up in the black. I mean...I think they don't. Will have to look up the relevant numbers. And 'starving artist' is a legitimate phrase. Sal's time would be better spent learning some investing basics...."

He continues to glance furtively at everyone else, totally not pining for a role in the play.

The crowd applauds as Demi and Sal take the stage and the play begins! The Concierge has made popcorn for everybody and turned down the lights in the living room. The Rabbits in the Garden Who Wear Little Outfits nibble on their snacks as they sit up front by the stage, while the giggling Hey Kid clones sit behind them. Dog, Dog, n’Dog curls up among the Hey Kids. Lady Sheridan and Yola Oleander have brought the rocking chairs in from the porch, while Robin the elemental sits apart from the others so as to not accidentally burn anybody. Another newly arrived guest, the huge glob Muckleby, undulates with excitement, and the fairy Monday watches from the entry of the gift shop, already planning to sell souvenirs featuring the play if it is a success!

Ah, they cast him! Be cool, Mr. Boggs, be cool. He nonchalantly closes his notebook, adjusts his tie, and joins the other cast members. He begins reading Sal's soggy writing, but before he can really become Roberto the banished wizard, the play has begun! And he hasn't even had time to find proper wizard's garb!

His raincloud now pouring with the intensity of a hurricane, he rushes around the house, looking for something...anything...to help him be more wizardly. But he can find nothing more than a broom, which he supposes will make do as a wizard's staff.

Muttering: "Poor organization. To just begin this play willy-nilly...[sigh]...no time to ponder the thematic complexities, the nuanced characterization, and of course the financial aspects. Salaries. Renting or buying a venue. Ticket prices...."

Wait, was this his cue? Was Roberto the Wizard (banished, in love) supposed to be on stage?Mr. Boggs steps forward quickly, between Don Michael and Princess Lisbei, holding his staff with what he hopes is the proper seriousness.

Wait...who was in he love with? One of them? Both of them? Someone else? His raincloud lets out a peal of thunder, and Mr. Boggs finds himself spewing out words:

"Halt! Cease! You cannot arrest this...this charming damsel...because...your jurisdiction only extends to the upper left quadrant of this realm, between the...River That Flows and the...uh...Mountain That Is Snowy! I, Roberto the Great (cruelly banished, separated from my love, who is...perhaps here? Or...elsewhere?) have cast a divination spell to learn of this perfidy! And I will surely be filing a complaint, Don Michael, as well as writing a scathing letter to the editor of the local paper!"

Parish wasn't sure he heard Sal right. He had an honest to goodness knight with who knows how many years questing experience standing before him and he is asked to play a playwright! Named Newt! That's not even the same genus!

Parish continued to fume as he changed into his doublet and hose wondering yet again how these managed to keep shrinking on him. Grabbing his quill and his lines Parish decided to have this out with Sal before things really got started. Such was his focus on this task that Parish completely missed that he was stalking across the stage to get to Sal.

Now that Mr. Boggs/Roberto has put Don Michael in his place (with botched lines, but still), he's ready to re-declare his love for Lisbei. Yes, Lisbei is the one! During his fuming and not-so-creative naming of places, his scattered thoughts had coalesced, and he'd remembered some (if not all) of his actual lines.

He turns to Lisbei now, trying to put on an expression of yearning and angst, to evoke love that's been thwarted, but that still burns brightly.

(To the audience, however, he looks much like he always does, except his tie is a bit looser.)

"Lisbei...Lisbei...Lisbei. Exile separated us. Fiendish villains conspired against us. Rapacious, callous aristocrats [glares at Don Michael] turned a blind eye to our plight. Yet here we stand, together once more...defying the world, defying the gods, defying fate itself!"

"I, Roberto, pledge this: no force shall separate us again while I still live. Even if all the armies of this realm stand before me, I shall not surrender. I would rather perish, knowing that I have done my utmost to save our incomparable love!"

"Kiss me, my dear. Kiss me, so that our bond will be renewed. And then let us stand together forevermore, as we destroy our enemies and aid our allies...few in number though our allies may be!"

Wait...a kiss? Mr. Boggs knew it was coming, but now that the moment had arrived...well, he'd just have to do his best. He tries to remember if he'd ever read about any efficient-yet-sexy kissing methods, and waits for a response.

Parish returns to his senses and full mobility and notes with some surprise that Demi is no longer on the stage. He looks out at the audience and remarks, "Don't ask me what's going on. I'm just the playwright." The audience titters with laughter and Sal's play suddenly has meta commentary.

As the audience laughs at Parish's quip, Niviana steps onto the stage, her long, damp hair obscuring the majority of her face. As the Queen of the Moon, she says, "O what fools these mortals be. They know not what doom comes for them. What say you, Bumblelina? Shall we warn them of the Terrible Dragon's vile plots?"