Sal Has Written a Play

When Mr. Boggs is backstage, Demi smiles pleasantly. "You have some natural talent there, Mister… oh, we should stick to character names. Even backstage!"

Mr. Biggs? Mr. Buggs, Baggs, Beggs…?

"Anyway, Roberto, you’ve got quite the task ahead of you. Dragon-slaying! So am I to be the damsel in distress, bound in chain, splayed against a boulder, misty seawater splashing abou—"

She poses as Persephone awaiting death-by-Kraken, but she is unaware of a loose nail on the wall.

At least until she steps forward and—

R-R-R-R-RIP!!—"Oh! How undignified," she says coyly. And maybe seductively because she can’t help herself, but she definitely does not want, and definitely is aware of the mixed signals she’s sending.

But she can’t present her fluster. As long as she doesn’t move and keeps her hands on the dress, nothing is exposed. No need to remove the shades. Yet.

"Roberto, would you be a dear and hand me that robe?"

Yazeba scowls as she sees the inadvertently suggestive situation unfolding between two of her guests. The witch quickly moves to interpose herself between Demi Gorgone and Mr. Boggs. "Fiends of fire! That'll be enough of that! Did you two not see the sign on the door? 'No romancing!'"

She points a finger accusingly at Demi. "That sort of coquetry may be the norm in Hollywoodland, Ms. Gorgone, but I'll have none of it in my bed and breakfast. The only flirtatiousness should be faux for the play. On the stage, not off of it. Understood?"

Yazeba gestures with her cigar, and the robe Demi mentions floats over and wraps itself around the actress.

Demi does not care for the accusation, but the actress knows an ‘out’ when she sees one.

She fastens her robe and simply says, "Rules are rules, Roberto. I certainly would not want to violate such a fine establishment with the Hollywood way" whatever that is.

And to Yazeba, a nod that seems to say thanks for extinguishing the flames of passion—which is the intended meaning and the gratitude is sincere. Romance is not what Demi came here for.

But the flash of her 18-34-demographic smile, how she turns toward the door to the makeshift ladies’ changing room, the way her hips move with every graceful step… it might serve as a reminder as to who is the eternal youth and who’s the eternal geriatric.Was it intentional? Oh, please. Would a professional do that to another woman? Perish the thought!

Ah, Parish…!

Yazeba watches Demi walk away, taking another drag from her cigar. But then rain starts to fall on her face, so she yelps and recoils! "Hey! Watch it, you soggy sop! Keep your cloud to yourself!" She quickly steps away from Mr. Boggs and favors him with a withering stare.

"Now, excuse me. I'm needed on stage." She turns on her heel and storms off, taking smug satisfaction on turning her back to Boggs.

---

On stage, Amelie, playing the part of the merchant Pantaloon, and Hey Kid, playing their child, Babeline, are hiking through the mountains, blissfully unaware that they are approaching the lair of the Terrible Dragon. They exchange some light banter, then Babeline points off-stage. "Papa! Papa! Look out!" Babeline cries.

Yazeba takes her cue and sweeps onto the stage. She is wearing a billowing cloak of green dragonscales (sequins) and she wears a headband with curling horns on it. "Yes, behold! It is I, the Terrible Dragon!" she declares in a throaty growl. "Gaze upon me and despair! By trespassing upon my domain, your lives have become forfeit!"

"Oh, woe," Amelie says, the robotic maid's delivery a bit flat. "Who will be heroic enough to save an old man and his son from this fearsome foe? Who, I ask? Who?"

The audience gasps and leans forward expectantly...

"Bumbelina" waves her wand "I cast a spell to buy us time, it will resume ten seconds... nine..." she shoots the audience a glance intended to be panicked, but of course it's lost behind the mask and rushes over to Don Michel.

"The Hero is no-where to be found, Don Michel, can you take up the sword and fight! Show your heroic side to your former rival and prove to us all you are more than the villain you appear to be! You need to fight this fearsome creature together"

A voice off-stage: "Of course the hero can’t be found, O Fairy Queen. For you keep looking for a man!"

Demi leaps onto the stage from above (using a barely-visible snakeskin ‘rope’ to lower herself). Her snakeskin dress is reminiscent of Dragon’s Lair’s Princess Daphne, black with golden glitter, but hiked and pleated for a hint of She-Ra. Snakeskin boots (also black and gold-glittery) add to this effect. She has matching amazonian bracers, inspired by Athena, of all goddesses! and a flowing, translucent snakeskin cape!

"Why must the hero be a man? Are we in the twenty-twenties or the ten-tens? Is our purpose to cry for help, to say I-can’t and you-can, to marry every man you petrify to maintain your dignity?"

That last bit is just her actual off-stage self talking. She goes on, remembering to keep it heartfelt but also in-character.

"Every step we take is judged. Every time we’re seen alone with a man: judged. Our pasts are judged. Every outfit we wear, what body gets to wear what at the beach, the party, the wedding—our own weddings!—anyone ever tell a groom he can’t wear black on his second wedding?

"Then why tell a man it must be He who brandishes the blade!" She gestures with her open hand toward the fairy queen’s sword. "Why can’t the hero be a woman? One who is more than just her mysterious youthful beauty—one who is clearly a magical creature of myth—one whose potential was overlooked by the gods themselves!

"Why can’t She brandish the sword…"

Demi draws her hand away from the blade after that heartfelt soliloquy made the case for her deserving it.

Or so it seemed—

"…for the sword is already Yours."Demi goes on, and while she is Princess Lisbei addressing the Fairy Queen, her words are meant for the girl behind the mask.

"You said it yourself, Your Highness. We can only win if we work together. Spoken like a true leader. Point that sword where you wish your followers to go, and we shall support you, Hero."

She then turns to the crowd and does that Fourth Wall thing that apparently hasn’t gotten tiresome yet, what with there being yet another Deadpool release. "Everyone knows that the true hero is the one who dons the mask." —at least in this day and age in which all that Marvel-ous crap keeps outselling relatable tales with real emotion, heart-wrenching sacrifice, the cleverly-unpredictable and a sense of danger not constantly diluted by half-witty quips and remorseless decapitation puns.

Demi sees the handsome frog freeze up! Parish! Such a dreamboat, albeit a bathtub-toy-sized dreamboat!

She Miss-Piggily squees, "Is not the pen mightier than the sword! Write your own destiny, Newt!" She utters the character name like a term of endearment, the way Sigourney Weaver said it in Aliens.

Of course, she’s shining her spotlight on a man now, but were her words to Gertrude really about women in general, or just Gertrude, or is the Star just having such a grand time she just says whatever she feels in the moment? Even Demi doesn’t know the answer to that, but she sure looks like she does!

Gertrude has no idea what's going on. but the Demi Gorgone had just given her a sword (well given a sword back)...

She rushes towards the Yezeba's Dragon waving her sword around "Dreaded Yez...Dragon, here we take our stand, you shall not terrorize us, these are my people, this is my home and you shall hurt them no-more!"

The play was actually going pretty well. His character was off stage and the right people were fighting the dragon. Sure there was some ad-libbing here and there but, he was pretty sure it would be okay anyway. Not much else for him to do except grab a guitar and strum for extra effect in the scene.

Yazeba quirks her eyebrow at the chaotic scene unfolding on stage. What was the point of re-writing the script if nobody else was sticking to it, anyways? She doesn't even flinch when Roberto hits her with his "cold spell," simply shaking her head as Parish trips and brings the curtain down.

---

After a brief intermission, the curtain raises on Act Two. The crowd applauds as the scene resumes with the Terrible Dragon facing off against the motley crew of heroes. Yazeba half-heartedly pretends to fight back, swiping her claws and blowing smoke as the other actors dance around her and swing their swords, quills, or other appendages. "Grr. Argh," she says.

Finally, Bumblelina lands a fatal blow. The Terrible Dragon dramatically throws her hand across her forehead. "Oh, you got me!" she exclaims and falls to her knees. "But with my dying breath, I will burn one of you and take you with me!"

Yazeba casts a spell, filling the stage with a wall of illusory fire. Somebody screams! But who?!?

Demi contemplates doing a death scene, since American movies never kill off the star.

Backstage, she tells Amelie or Sal or whoever happens to be back there, "If we could kook up the fog machine stage left, and shine gold stage-lights and red spotlights from the ceiling on the left, white and blue stage-right, that would make for a decent hot-cold effect…"

She wonders if she can get her pyromancer dress for the burning effect. Oh, why wasn’t this discussed during intermission?

Demi Gorgone thinks about some very sad things. And she’s had a few thousand years to get over them, so it’s hard to cry from that. But what easy for the actress is to turn on the waterworks. Real liquid pouring from her eyes.

That’s because her snakes can drool on cue.

"Start the water-works, girls."

Her snake-hair parts like curtain bangs, and a few serpentine heads peer behind the star’s shades and tears (snake drool) trickle down the gorgon’s smooth, scaly cheeks.

"Oh, Roberto, my unrequited love! The jealous dragon forced us apart, and even in defeat, the beast adhered to its strict anti-romantic decree!"

Tears! Real tears—a brilliant tragic ending. Wolverine would never die and leave Deadpool weeping and professing his love! This B&B creative team is where it’s at! Real feeling, and to think Demi just came for the pancakes while out in the boonies to play the role of Hillbilly Beverly!She sobs and poses dramatically, and gorgons are pretty but also incredibly strong, so she is able to maintain a graceful, elegant, mournful posture even as she scoops Roberto in her arms.

"Oh! I am so overcome with sorrow, to join you in the grave would be a mercy!" But she notices the impressionable hey-kids, the masked Gertrude, and honestly Juliette was an idiot stabbing herself over Romeo. So she isn’t about to do the Shakespearean thing (which isn’t in the script, not like that’s stopping anyone).

She places Mr. Boggs’ ‘body’ center-stage.

"…but as Princess, I am a role model, so I’ll resist the urge to dive into your open grave and go on, somehow, being strong for…" Don’t say Handsome Frog-Knight! "…forrr, the best revenge is to live well.

"So, by living happily ever after, I’ll avenge you. Take that, dragon!" she says to the already-defeated dragon.