The Remodeled Library

Making her way downstairs to the Bed & Breakfast's living room, Gertrude nervously looks out at the guests milling about. She spots a few new faces in the crowd, including two older, bespectacled men. New people give her anxiety. Well, everything gives her anxiety.

The masked girl clears her throat. "Ahem. Um, Yazeba would like everybody to know that the B&B's library is open for visitors. Come on up and look around. That is, if you want to..." She quickly turns and scampers back upstairs.

Rag-and-Bones doesn't have ears, but if he did, they would have perked up at Gertrude's proclamation. He quietly closes the door to the utility closet he has been hiding in and clacks his bony fingers together in glee.

"Nyeh, heh, heh! Did you hear that, Ratto? The library! Surely that is where Yazeba keeps her spellbooks! And somewhere in one of those books, the Apocalypse Incantation!"

"Rats!" says Ratto the rat cheerfully. Rag-and-Bones' most loyal--and only--minion stands on her hind legs and dances a helpful jig.

"Now, you stay here until I signal you. It's time for the perfect disguise!" Rag-and-Bones says with a sinister sneer...

---

A few minutes later, a skeletal figure emerges from the closet. He is dressed in a strapless green gown, long white opera gloves, and signature pink star-shaped sunglasses. Several paper machie snakes are affixed to the top of his skull. His teeth pull back into a rictus grin as he affects a sultry saunter, heading up the stairs and into the library.

"Yes, it's me! The fabulous Demi Gorgone herself! Oh, it's so lovely to meet me!" the skeleton, who is definitely not Rag-and-Bones, declares in a throaty purr. "I decided to delay my departure for my next movie shoot just a tad. My, what a marvelous library! I wonder where they keep the spellbooks..."

Yazeba takes one slow, luxurious drag from her cigarette, eyes narrowing as she watches Gertrude scamper away. Those same bright eyes then widen again as this… "Gorgon Gone Wild" makes their grand entrance. She exhales a plume of smoke that curls with a grey/purple laze toward the plaster ceiling then raises an exquisite eyebrow.

"Well, well," she drawls, voice dripping with mock suspicion and tired humor. "If it isn’t the fabulous Demi Gorgone, gracing us with her presence. What fortune doth smile upon the Bed & Breakfast. Shakespeare said that." Yazeba snuffs out her cigarette with a deliberate slowness. "Now, unless your latest ‘movie’ happens to involve alphabetical shelving or cataloging, I suggest you start with the picture books. They might be just the right reading level for you."

She fixes a long, piercing stare upon her guest-as-guest before turning sharply on splendid heel and muttering, "Foes afire, I need another coffee. This is going to be a long morning."

Merv adjusts the spectacles on his nose and attempts to smooth down a cowlick in his hair that immediately springs back up. He quickly gives himself a pep talk, "You can do this, Merv. You are one of the preeminent book scholars in the realm. This is a rare opportunity to be one of the first visitors into a newly opened collection of tomes with a real possibility of viewing previously undiscovered works."

He takes a deep breath before haltingly crossing the threshold into the library. "Ahem...yes... er...hello?" he softly calls out. Seeing the others already in the library, he takes a startled step backward, almost knocking over a plant but catching it just in time.

Gertrude looks askance at the cross dressing skeleton. He seems familiar, but she can’t quite put her finger on it.

When the bespectacled man enters, she gives him a reassuring wave. "Hello. Welcome to Yazeba’s Bed & Breakfast. You’re a new guest here, right? My name’s Gertrude. Yazeba herself is over there. She said that you’re free to look around the library and see if anything catches your eye."

Rag-and-Bones snickers to himself as Yazeba turns away. "Nyeh, heh, heh." He saunters off, swinging his bony hips, as he begins perusing the section of the library marked "Medicine, Alchemy, and Psychology."

After a few minutes, he retrieves a book from the shelf. "Let's see... Curses and Cures: Diagnosing the Witch’s Most Common Ailments by Dr. Selene Poxworth..."

Yazeba glances over her shoulder as Rag-and-Bones clackles toward the shelves. She watches with a deadpan expression as the skeleton retrieves a book she knows all too well.

Taking a cigarette from the small, brass case she carries in her pocket, Yazeba strides over to the callow cosplayer, heels of her velvet boots clicking atop the library's wood floor, silenced momentarily only as she crosses over the room's Moroccan rug. Yazeba peers down at the book, then at the bony fingers holding it, and finally at the paper-mache snakes perched precariously atop her guest's ivory noggin. She shakes her head before speaking.

"Ah, Dr. Poxworth. Charming woman. Utterly insufferable, of course. She once tried to sell me snake oil—literally-bottled up like an eye serum and labeled Oleum d'Serpens. Can you imagine?" She looks once more at the cover. "That one’s mostly useless drivel. But," she leans in slightly, her voice lowering to a conspiratorial tone, "there is a footnote on page seventy-two that might be of interest. Assuming you can read the small print with those ridiculous glasses."

She straightens up, voice sharp and commanding once again. "If you accidentally unleash a hex on yourself, don't claim I didn't warn you."

She then turns her attention to Merv. "And you," she calls out, waving a hand to beckon him in. "Stop loitering in the doorway like a scared little rabbit. If you’re here for the books, act like it. They’re not going to bite. Well, most of them are not going to bite, at any rate. You might watch out for Shorkle's Animated Guide to Jaws, Maws, and Angry Pieholes. That one does tend to get a little toothy." Her words hang in the air alongside the smoke wafting from her freshly-lit cigarette. Yazeba looks around for where she put her ashtray...

Amelie uses their built-in camera to snap a photo of Rag and Bones guised as Demi.

SUGGESTED WORDPLAY: "DRAG AND BONES."

🛑ABORT! WINDOW OF COMEDIC TIMING HAS CLOSED

The maid-bot otherwise does as maids do, remaining seen but not heard as conversation erupts in the normally-silent library.

…until, while dusting Shelf KN, they stumble upon a book that belongs on Shelf AL.

>>>All Knowledge
Everything
you ever wanted
to know about
everything,
but were afraid
to ask.
by EveryoneThe robo-maid reads, and their mind is blown!

—which is to say, a muffled explosion is heard and smoke rises from the robot’s head!

They are fine, it would seem. Just enthralled in the open page. "I… live."

Feeling they are interrupting something (and also relieved that Yazeba allows smoking indoors, so the blown-mind is a non-issue), they add words as if the blurted phrase was the start of an intro.

"—to serve," they say to Merv. "Yes, that is me, Amelie the maid. It is my pleasure to meet you and my honor to serve you. Because I live to do that."

As the others begin to disperse through the library, Gertrude wanders the stacks. She finds herself in the section marked History "Fantasy." She looks around, wondering if Yazeba might have a copy of—

The masked teen stops and gasps when she sees what she was looking for: a rare first edition of Heartsword, by an author who only goes by the pseudonym Dragon Mistress. Heartsword is a schlocky fantasy adventure about a princess forced to disguise herself as a man in order to defeat an evil emperor. If somebody asked Gertrude about the book, she’d dismiss it as trashy garbage, but the dogeared pages and bent spine of the copy she keeps in her backpack would suggest otherwise.

She looks around to see if anybody is looking, then carefully picks it up. Of course, Yazeba turns to look at her at that exact moment, and Gertrude freezes, mortified!

Yazeba coughs.

Her bemused gaze lands first upon Amelie, whose electric moment of self-discovery draws a raised eyebrow and a sardonic:

"Now this does takes the proverbial cake. My maid-bot’s chakras appear to be lighting up at all at once. Next thing I know, you’ll be writing a self-help guide for your programmed peers: De/Code -or- How To Keep Time Without Algorithm."

She flicks ash into a porcelain tray with a dramatic sigh.

"Just make sure not to spark all over my rug next time your circuits ‘expand,’ all right? It’s one of a kind. And watch out for that book. It truly does have the power to wake you up. Did you notice the inscription from Louisa Pikwether, Grand Matron of The Order of the Black Rainbow? ‘Everything you learn…you’re only remembering.’ Take it to heart, or whatever it is you have in there."Yazeba then turns her attention to catch Gertrude, frozen like a deer in headlights with the Heartsword book clutched in her hands. Yazeba narrows her eyes and smirks before saying,

"Well, well, well, Heartsword is it Gertie? The literary sensation of your generation? Next to only The Bogwater Chronicles or perhaps Horsetickling for Fun and Profit? I hear all three have critics enamored this year."

She gestures at the book with her cigarette.

"Dragon Mistress really outdid herself with this one, yes? What’s your favorite part, Gertrude? The overuse of italics for dramatic emphasis? Or maybe that insufferable Princess Honeysuckle’s insipid catchphrase: By my father’s crown and my mother’s pantaloons!"

Her smirk softens ever so slightly as she leans back.

"But who am I to judge? The blasted thing sits upon my library shelves, after all."

And with that, she laughs aloud and exhales another plume of smoke, keeping one wary eye on Rag-and-Bones, who seems far too entertained by Curses and Cures.

"If you break the binding on that book, you bag of bleached bones, you’re bloody-well paying for it. And no, I do not accept payment in rats."

Merv chuckles nervously and takes a few more steps into the library. He nods at Gertrude. "A pleasure to meet you, Gertrude. My name is Merv Larkin, freelance librarian." He takes a slightly crumpled card out of the inside pocket of his blazer and hands it to her. It has several animal hairs stuck to it.

"And thank you, Madam Yazeba, for the opportunity to explore such a rare collection of books. I have seen quite a few private collections, but I find each one is quite unique in its own way. And rarely do I not find something of value in said collections." He begins heading toward the section titled "Cryptozoology" but pauses and turns back to Yazeba. "I apologize in advance for being pedantic, but I have heard of Shorkle's Animated Guide to Jaws, Maws, and Angry Pieholes and the author's name is actually pronoucned Shörkle and not Shorkle. A common mistake as all printings of that book are, unfortunately, missing the umlaut."

Confident that, like all persons of letters, Yazeba will appreciate the correction and take it in the spirit of helpfulness that he offered it in, he continues into the "Cryptozoology" section and picks out a book entitled Bigfoot, Mothman, and Nessie Walk Into a Bar: Accounts of Everyday Cryptid Sightings. He begins flipping through the book, hoping to see something on werewolves.

Yazeba's eyes grow wide. Her brow furrows and her bottom lip juts out like a pout when the newcomer offers his correction.

"Flesh to ash, the umlaut? Surely, you jest, guoter hērro?" she exclaims with a feigned Old High German accent and a tone dry enough to parch a desert. "How truly fortunate to have you here, at my Bed & Breakfast, in my library, to pontificate on the proper placement of diacritics. We'd be quite lost otherwise." She flicks her cigarette toward a nearby ashtray and then notices which book Merv's pulled off the shelf. Her entire demeanor shifts, softening, catching all in the room off-guard. "What a wonderful book. Oh! An absolute page-turner—assuming you don’t mind the occasional misstep. Absolutely stunning revelation regarding the Jersey Devils’s brief stint as an Uber driver in Chicago. Truly, truly a fave. I return to it often."

She leans back against one of the shelves, eyes locked with Merv. "Just don’t get too wrapped up in the grammar, OK? I’d hate for you to miss the forest for the phonemes."

With that, she turns away from Merv and she's smiling.

By gum, Yazeba's smiling.

Rag-and-Bones finds a secluded corner of the library and begins greedily flipping through the pages of the book, looking for one very powerful curse in particular. No... no... not that one... "Rats!" he declares as he slams the cover shut. Remembering himself, he clears his throat and raises the pitch of his voice. "I mean, darn the luck," he says in a very quiet, very mindful, very demure manner. "This isn't quite what I had in mind."

The disguised skeleton returns the book to the shelf and shimmy-shakes over to a new section of the library. This one is a well-loved row of comic books about a genius cat. "Oh, let's see here... Professor Paws... Professor Paws in Bubble Trouble... Professor Paws in the Dogfather... Professor Paws in Apocalypse Meow..."

Wait... Apocalypse... The invocation! It must be hidden inside this coded comic!

"Aha!" Rag-and-Bones declares, hoisting the comic book over his head!

---

Ratto has been happily exploring the supply closet when she hears a muffled shout of "Rats!" from upstairs. Her ears perk up at her master’s signal. "Rats!" she says resolutely, scurrying out of the closet and up the stairs to the library.

The little rodent pauses at the entrance, sniffing the air. Musty books, middle-aged men, machine oil... Wait, she knows that last scent! It’s her good friend Amelie, the robot she met while washing dishes.

Ratto follows her nose and scurries over to the robot maid. She stands on her hind legs and wags her tail happily. "Rats!" she says in greeting.

Gertrude's mask hides her deep blush at Yazeba's comments about her favorite book. She almost puts it back on the shelf. Almost. Instead, she scurries around the corner of a shelf and takes several deep breaths to try to calm herself. She won't let the sarcastic witch ruin Heartsword for her.

She reverently opens the tome and begins reading one of the sections therein:Suddenly, Gertrude finds herself falling forward. She lets out a yelp as she tumbles into the book! She lands with a grunt on the hard ground. As she gathers her wits, she realizes that the air is crisp and cool, carrying the scent of fresh grass and pine trees. She's in the mountains, behind some rocks. She hears voices coming from nearby.

Nervously, Gertrude peeks over the rocks and her breath catches in her throat. A knight and a pirate captain are speaking to a gargantuan feathered beast! It's... it's the scene from the book she was reading. Somehow, she's become part of the story! She's inside Heartsword!

"Holy... sheesh!" she breathes.

Yazeba's smile fades as Rag-and-Bones returns the book of curses and moves towards her precious collection of the very rare, highly collectible, thoroughly enjoyable, and wholly complete collection of Professor Paws comics. Sweat beads upon her brow as she rushes over to the bony beast. She restrains herself from taking the comic from his stiff, cold fingers but does manage to interject her body between him and the rest of the collection. Fool's ruin! Whatsoever was I thinking putting these out here - and without any bags to protect them?!

"Well, isn’t that a find?" Yazeba says with an exasperated breath. "Did you know this entire series was inspired by the author Addie Weller's one-eyed Siamese cat, Mr. Piggles, being able to meow the word, 'Cookies'? Fans seek this issue in particular as an emotional balm, an apocalypse of adorable proportions, if you will."

As Ratto scurries into the library, Yazeba arches an eyebrow. "Fangs of the void! Now we’ve got rodents in the stacks!" She mutters under her breath, "I should’ve warded the place against skeletons and their furry accomplices alike."

Yazeba's attention then snaps to the sound of Gertrude’s yelp. She reluctantly heads to the shelf where the girl had been thumbing through Heartsword. At the end of the bookcase, she spies the book lying wide open on the floor, pages faintly aglow. Yazeba’s expression flickers between annoyance, concern, and intrigue.

"Falling into stories now, are we? I suppose that is the power of a good story...even a bad good story..." She mutters a string of unintelligible words under her breath, fingers tracing faint glyphs in the air above the book, then whispers into the book's open pages, "Stay on your toes in there. I'm no good at writing epitaphs." She carries the open book to an intricately carved, cherry wood table in the corner of the room and gently sets it down. She presses the center of the open pages to help them stay in place. "Good luck, kiddo."

Yazeba notices as the solemn Mr. Wakeman pulls a slim volume from the True Crime section. "Ah, The Rapping Stick," she muses aloud. "Now there’s a story wild enough to make you think twice about going out for a midnight snack. That's one that was considered 'too full of Masonic balderdash' for publication so never made it to the public eye. I've not re-visited it myself in quite some time."

She then surveys the increasingly chaotic scene unfolding in her library. "Books are indeed mischievous things, and this lot’s proving it with every passing minute."

"Oh, yes, Mr. Piggles! Of course, everybody knows that." Rag-and-Bones says with a patronizing grin. "I do so love all of Addie Weller’s work. I believe they’re working on adapting this comic series into an animated movie. Maybe I shall star in it as the voice of Professor Paws! Oh, wouldn’t that be a lark!"As Yazeba turns away, distracted, the disguised skeleton can’t resist uttering his signature laugh, "Nyeh, heh, heh!" as he scuttles away to pore through the comic book for the secret invocation surely hidden within!