Stage 1 - The Massholes!

[ +- ] 🥁 Drumanji

Everyone is at full health and full power!!!

—and that’s good! You’re gonna need to be at full strength after what you’re about to overhear as you approach the end of the Jungle Road:

👹

Everyoni

"The preparations are ready," says one oni to another.

"Then it is time. The purity of Monsterland shall remain untarnished!"

An oni asks, "But who among us is so precise to carve out a maiden’s heart unblemished?"

A dashing beardless oni with a very long nose twirls his moustache in delight.

👺

Swingin’ Dick

"I AM, you fucking twit."

Every oni cheers HIP-HIP-HUZZAH, except for the one who was called a fucking twit.

"To the Maiden Sacrifice! Follow ME!" Swingin’ Dick calls to the others as he swings away on a vine.

There are lots of vines. The oni all follow. One slips and falls off. You hear a distant splash and Dick calling out, "Fuckin’ twit!"

@Eltesla,@Tickettbror,@Dmbrainiac,@Totes_McGee

"Let us make haste." Murasaki makes a leap for a vine... and firmly grasps it! Propelled by her body weight, she swings through the air, feeling the wind rush past her as she makes a leap for a second vine. As she makes her second swing, she lets out a familiar jungle cry that echoes through the canopy.

Murasaki deftly swings and leaps from vine to vine to vine—

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Oni

"Hey—wha-the?"

"AAAAA!!"

—causing two startled oni to miss the vines that she swung away on! The agile heroine is so close to Swingin’ Dick, she can almost kick his pointy tail as the two reach the last vines they need to cross the chasm!

More vines? Lacey takes out her gloves again. Just normal gloves, nothing magical or video game-y.

She watches Murasaki swing as if she was born in the jungle (and raised by monkeys or something), and is both inspired and a bit jealous. She hop-pirouettes through the air, grabs a vine, and...yes! She's swinging! Now she needs to say something witty and bad-ass....

"You can't catch me, destiny! I’m always one swing ahead!"

OK, not the best. Maybe she should brainstorm some catchphrases....

Lacey has a pretty good grip on the vines. She only passes the oni who fell, but on the bright side, that means the potentially-threatening oni haven’t seen her yet…

It takes Gemini a moment to get going. She's debating with herself why everyone always seems to obsessed with sacrifices and things. Surely it would be better to listen to some froody beats and share a heart to heart. Magic borne of cooperation always seems to last longer, even if it's not stronger. Or you know, something like that.

She's lost in thought as a gust of wind blows her off course, and by the time she notices it the others have opened up a lead. Not many people are as fast through the air as Starfire though, and when she puts her mind to flying...

As Gemini beats her wings, an updraft catches her wings! The little fairy flutters with all her might to avoid smacking into gigantic leaves! She zigs and she zags—she finds herself above the canopy where the view is spectacular!

There’s a volcano up ahead, and it looks angry! It starts spewing fireballs! Some of them land on the hill and bounce off or roll down.

Gong-Ju looks at the vines apprehensively, remembering her failure to swing last time. She leaps forward, but this time she manages to maintain her grip, swinging alongside the other bombshells!

[ +- ] 🥁 Drumanji

Gong-Ju chooses not to dive into the water below.

The three oni who fell don’t have much choice. They try to catch up, but three alligators (or are they crocodiles?) quickly converge on them. There are sound of splashing and screaming, though one of the screams is cut short as the oni’s face is bitten off.

Not his head. His face.

Other oni call out to Swingin’ Dick.

👺

Swingin’ Dick

"Shut up! I’m rehearsing the words to the ritual in my head! Remember what happened when some asshole mispronounced ‘niktu?’ Not on my watch?"

The oni stop trying to warn their boss—not about the gators (crocs?), but about you. A few of them stop running. They’re ready to stop you… but the problem is, they have to stop and turn. You’re coming straight at ’em!

(Gong-Ju and Lacey are blocked by the oni. Murasaki and Gemini leap or fly over them.)

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👹👹👹 ONI STOOGES
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Lacey decides to fight the oni. They'll probably have to fight 'em eventually anyway; better to get it out of the way.

She pulls a thick, dog-eared book from her purse. It has "Game Genie" on the cover, along with a strange red genie-dude. She flips through it quickly, trying to find something that'll help her before the oni notice her. She's not entirely sure what this book is all about; it's supposed to have "codes" for "games," but what does that really mean? They were in reality, not a game!

Eventually she comes to an entry called "Paper Boy," which has a code that says "start with 20 papers." Good enough. By the code it says: "GOXAUOZA."

"Uhhh...go-axe-ah-you-uh-zuh?"

Nothing happens. Since this isn't Paper Boy, no codes will work! But Lacey of course doesn't know this, so she curses in her frustration and closes the book in a huff.

Well, it's pretty thick and heavy, so she decides to just throw it at the oni! It sails through the air, right towards one of their faces!

•
👹👹👹 ONI STOOGES
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👹

An Oni Stooge

"Ha! That didn’t hurt! Now it’s my turn to hit your face! CHAAAARRRRRRGE—BWHAAAHH SHIT!!" The oni slips on a loosed page from Lacey’s book, tumbles downhill past her, off the cliff, into the alligator- (or crocodile-) infested water below!


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👹👹❌ ONI STOOGES
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The boss cannot be allowed to escape! Trusting Lacey and Gong-Ju to handle themselves, Murasaki keeps on moving. She sprints after Dick, trying to catch up to him and the oni around him.

It doesn't take much for her to close the distance. As she nears them, Murasaki tries to strike one of the oni from behind with a flying kick.

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❌ ONI SCHMUCK
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👹

An Oni Schmuck

"AaaaAAAaaa!!"Swingin’ Dick glances back as Murasaki takes out one of the schmucks.

👺

Swingin’ Dick

"Oh, now what the hell? It’s like a guy can’t carve out a maiden’s heart in peace!" Dick speaks to the oni running half a step behind him at his right. "Neb, deal with her."

👹

"Neb"

"As you wish."

The oni known as ‘Neb’ stops suddenly. His right hand deftly slides to his left hip—

Gemini doesn't want Murasaki to go forward on her own, so the moment she can she swoops down to assist her ally. The image of the angry looking volcano is still fresh in her mind, but she has an immediate concern and sees no point in making everyone any more stressed than they are.

Seeing "Neb" about to pull something shifty, she puts up a reflective barrier. Anything he does to attack Murasaki will instead hurt him instead. It's not exactly causing violence if you're simply bouncing it back. Right? "What goes around comes around, my dude."

WHUMMMM! The oni quick-draws a beam katana from his hip! He whips around and swings—BZZZZT!!

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👹 ONI WAB KEBONI
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The laser sword bounces off the barrier, burning a reverse mohawk onto his own head!

Gong-Ju stabs at the remaining oni stooges! Her trident crackles with electricity as she activates the magic of its stormy prong!

[ +- ] 🥁 Drumanji

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👹 ONI WAB KEBONI
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•
❌❌ ONI STOOGES
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Gong-Ju’s magic sends a shockwave that knocks out the remaining stooges. Its effect on Oni Wab Keboni is minimal.

The oni laserswordsman notes that he is suddenly outnumbered. He doesn’t bother to look back to see if other minions will aid him. (They continue to charge uphill with their leader, toward the devil-faced ‘volcanic’ peak.)

"Very well." He stands with his beam katana held up right, resigned to his fate. "None shall pass."

@Eltesla,@Tickettbror,@Dmbrainiac,@Totes_McGee

More ass-kicking! The Bombshells couldn't be stopped! Lacey doesn't say this out loud, though, fearing a jinx....

Earlier, she'd seen Murasaki do a move that seemed to be called a "Hadouken." It looked pretty cool, so Lacey attempts to replicate it! Murasaki's physical superiority is obvious, however, and perhaps Lacey should stick to digging through her purse and being the tricky, sultry ranged attacker.

But that would be a pathetic capitulation! She controls her fate, not onis, men, or bushes!

She widens her stance, moves her arms in a strange motion...did Murasaki use two hands or just one?...she decides to just use one hand. Two might be overkill. But wait...didn't they want overkill?

"HADOUKEN!!"

A blue ball of energy actually surges out of her hand, and flies towards their foe! But it's not, actually, a hadouken; it's a gadouken, the one-handed blast famously used by Dan of Street Fighter. Obviously less potent than Murasaki's, and it's moving at a much slower pace. Will it do any sort of damage?

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👹 ONI WAB KEBONI
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Lacey’s gadouken moves so slowly the oni is pretty sure he can bat it away with his beam katana. But when he tries, the katana’s laser and the gadouken implode on contact. The resulting shockwaves whips the hilt out of Keboni’s hand and whacks him in the kneecap!

👹

Oni Wab Keboni

". . . ."