Stage 1 - The Massholes!

[ +- ] 🎸 SoR2 Medley

STAGE 1

THE MASSHOLES



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💃🏼 🧘🏻‍♀️ 🧜🏻‍♀️
The world as we’d known it could only take so many madmen in positions of power. So it got nuked.

Sucks, yeah. But the survivors of Scorched Earth adapted. And some of the women even mutated into mermaids and fairies. That was kinda cute.

Some of the men had undergone mutations as well. Different kinds, not to say that the cosmetic changes were really the problem. Scorched Earth had a power vacuum to fill.

The Mullet Hellions took that as an invitation to track their bloody bootprints all over the world stage…


Sometime in the 2990’s…

Lacey O’Hara’s had her share of run-ins with Neo Hampshire’s worst. She’s seen the fates of men who dared to rescue her… some beaten to death, others eaten alive.

Now, as a survivor of Mullet Hell and leader of the Bombshells, Miss O’Hara and her squad intend to make predators their prey.

And wouldn’t you know it? Her Shoe Phone’s ringing! Looks like that cat at the gizmo shop didn’t rip her off after all.

🧙🏻‍♀️

The Crone

"Hello? Is this the right number?"

There’s a pause, but the old crone doesn’t leave time to answer.

"Forget I asked. I ain’t got time for that shit. My granddaughter’s gone missing, and I’m afraid she’s out of reach of my magic detection.

"She’s gone… south."

You know what’s south of Neo Hampshire. It’s the Massholes. It’s the part of Olde New England that got hit the hardest. The whole state’s nothing but craters and the serpentine trails around them, from the Field o’Pits to the sunken city of Buzzard’s Bottom, there ain’t no place in that hundred-sixty mile stretch for a magical old lady’s granddaughter.

Massholes. Lacey lets out a noise that's a combination of a grunt and sigh as she ponders the situation. She would've preferred the Bombshells take on smaller tasks to start with, and confidently level up their badassery. But it looks like they were jumping into the deep end right off the bat....

Or maybe she was being a wimp, and she should embrace this opportunity with (toned-but-still-svelte) open arms.

"This is definitely a mission for the Bomshells...uh...person who I may or may not know? Who are you, exactly? And if you have magic, do you have any spells that'll assist us?"

"And your granddaughter...describe her, please. Any known unsavory acquaintances? Perhaps [grinds teeth] men with mullets?"

Lacey then pauses, and asks in a sweet, totally-not-accusatory tone: "And how do you know she's gone south? I thought you said your magic detection lost her?"

Just off to the side, Murasaki leans against a wall, arms crossed as she exudes a contemplative air. When the ringing of Lacey's Shoe Phone pulls her from her thoughts, she glances over curiously. She always keeps her eyes closed, except for the third eye resting upon her forehead, unblinkingly taking note of her surroundings. It's unclear whether it comes from enlightenment or mutation, but either way, it's unusual but not overly so, considering what the radiation has done to others.

She walks over to her leader and leans in uncomfortably close in order to listen to the call. "I believe our caller lost her along the way, O'hara-san. Thus, she knows her granddaughter went south, but cannot determine her exact location," she suggests. Then she asks the crone a question of her own. "Would your granddaughter have any reason to go south?"

🧙🏻‍♀️

The Crone

The Crone responds to Murasaki’s explanation: "Yes, I was able to sense her energy. Her light is not as strong as her Mother’s, but her purity… I traced her movement from Diana’s Bath, down the Kancamagus, through the city of Conquered."

As you all know, Conquered was the capital of Neo Hampshire before it was conquered. Now the capital is Puffchester, also a city conquered by the Mullet Hellions.

The Kancamagus, in contrast, is lush and green. The land has somehow thrived, and sightings of mulletted men in the wilderness are few and far between.

"I can’t imagine The Maiden would have any business in a big city like Conquered. If she traveled to The Massholes by choice, her ambitions are too grand. And if she was taken…"

The old lady shudders at the thought.

Though perhaps Lacey knows that whatever horrible plans the men have for a young, pretty prisoner, evil men usually procrastinate. As long as there’s a rescue in progress, this pure-maiden grandkid’ll be fine.

Realizing The Crone was asked for her name, the old lady apologizes to Lacey, "Forgive me. I thought all of the oldfangled technology came with Caller ID. I am simply The Crone." The name matches the red letters displayed on Lacey’s Shoe Phone. "My granddaughter is The Maiden. Platinum blonde, usually clad in a green dress and tiara. Barefoot."

Which explains why The Crone didn’t call.

"I’m afraid I don’t have any spells to assist you. But my daughter’s an aviatrix. Got herself a steamplane at the Puffchester Airport. If you meet her there… perhaps it won’t be too late."

"This is a noble quest, to find the missing Maiden," Gong-ju says, cradling her mystical trident in her hands. Even on land, her flowing purple hair floats about her head as if she was underwater, and a briny ocean scent follows wherever she goes. "I say we accept the challenge!"

"I always wondered how a steamplane flies, since it's wings don't flap." Gemini muses, her tone dreamy, from her spot on the table.

She has her back to an old jar, placed so the light catches and reflects onto her. It gives her the look of a cat in a sunbeam when she smiles. One of her legs dangles from the table edge, kicking slightly, while the other props up her latest finger board. The design is one of her own personal tags, though she's made some changes. A few cans of spray-paint wait nearby for her to make her mind up.

"It's about attitude over altitude though, my dudettes." She spins one of the wheels on the board. "A radical way to travel."

Between a grandmother feeling there’s hope for her granddaughter, a curious skater-fairy learning how non-flapping wings work, and a mermaid finding the quest worthy, it seems everyone’s a winner…!

---

PUFFCHESTER AIRPORT

You arrive at the airport to meet The Mother.

Not far from a few steamplanes at the end of the runway are a couple slender ladies in red skirts and blazers, four men in black uniforms, and a pink-haired woman trying to keep them away from each other.

👩🏻‍🎤

The Mother

"…you slapped her on the ass, so yeah it is my concern. She serves your passengers, not your desires."

A crewman shrugs off the lecture. "Give us a break, lady."

Another chimes in, "We’re just having a little fun!"

The pilot is more condescending. "It’s not like you immaculately conceived your kid, so you know how it works."

The Mother’s cheeks flush. "What do you know about my daughter?! Did you—"

The co-pilot puts a hand on her shoulder. "We don’t know shit about your kids. You got a mom bod—"

"Don’t touch me!" The Mother grabs the co-pilot’s arm, but he quickly retaliates and shoves her. She twists her ankle as she stumbles back.

The flight attendants heels clack across the tarmac as they do their best to retreat with their dignity intact.

A crewman calls to the them, "You chicks oughtta stick around. We can all be winners!"

The Pilot stands over The Mother as she limps back another step. He clenches a fist.

Men behaving badly? Shocker!

But while Lacey wouldn't mind inflicting coma- or paraplegic-inducing violence rightthisminute, she also has her feminine wiles. She didn't get much chance to use them while she was an eternally helpless captive, but now....

"Now, now, boys...those ladies clearly aren't interested. I know it's preposterous that...paragons of manliness such as yourselves ever get rejected, but such is life."

"Why don't you focus your efforts on someone who does appreciate your...obvious virtues?"

She adjusts her dress so she shows maximum cleavage, and plenty of thigh. She also gives them a smoldering come-hither look. Bait the trap, draw them close, then....

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[ +- ] 🎺 Guile’s Theme

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👨🏼‍✈️ B. GUILE
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🧑🏼‍✈️ GNASH
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🧑🏼‍🏭🧑🏼‍🔧 CREWMEN
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The pilot, copilot and crewmen all take the bait.

"Forget the milf," says the captain with the paintbrush stache. "I gotta respect a lady who knows she wants it."

The copilot glances at the other Bombshells, notably ignoring the tiny fairy. "Contortionist or bikini model?" The crewmen eagerly await his pick, then slump when he says, "I meant ‘and.’"

Now the two crewmen eye the fairy. One wonders, "How do we…?" The other cuts him off, "You watch while I figure it out!"

He whips off his hat and swings it like a butterfly net—apparently intent on keeping Gemini in it so she won’t come to her senses and fly away? But the men are too slow.

Are they that gullible? Did they underestimate the Bombshells and think they could turn the ruse to their favor? Either way, it’s time to teach these guys a lesson by beating them almost to death but not quite!

ROUND ONE…

FIGHT!!

"Gentlemen, you bring shame to yourselves. I can only hope you take some time to reflect if you make it out of this." Murasaki shifts into a calm, practiced fighting stance.

Her third eye leers at the copilot, assessing him as a suitable target. She didn't know what a contortionist was, but it sounded vaguely insulting so she took it upon herself to teach him that she was so much more than that. She rushes him down and leaps, coming at him with a flying knee that's on a collision course with his nose.

Gong-Ju's eyes narrow as she brandishes her trident in a fighting pose! "Mind your tongues, knaves! You are in the presence of royalty! Let's kick some fin!"

She attacks the crewmen with an opening combo. Jab, jab, THRUST!

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🧑🏼‍✈️ GNASH
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The co-pilot is launched several feet away by Musaki’s flying knee attack!

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🧑🏼‍🏭🧑🏼‍🔧 CREWMEN
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Gong-Ju stuns the crewman who tried to net the fairy with his hat. But the other gets a harmless bonk from her trident as it strikes his welding mask!

The Bombshells are looking very heroic, although The Mother has a worried expression…

Lacey decides to target the captain. Taking out the leader may cause the underlings to lose heart.

Her saucy demeanor changes to rage and scorn, and she adjusts her dress to make herself slightly less sexy and more combat ready. She then spits in the direction of the jerks.

"Horny and stupid...like most men. Did you really think a bombshell like me would screw any of you? You chumps have been watching too much porn...."

She pulls out a small canister of mace from her stylish purse, and sends a stream directly into the face of the captain!

Trying to catch a fairy in a hat is totally not hesh, and so Gemini decides she will be. She's not entirely sure where her magic comes from, or if the fairy dust her wings make is safe for human interaction, but sometimes you have to go with the flow. She gathers some in her palm, sieving it a moment before bringing it to her lips.

When she blows on it she creates a small green fireball that burns a hole in the hat wide enough for her to fly right through. As she does, she turns her hat backward and gives the unfortunate crewman a wink. Maybe with that he won't notice his hat's still on fire and get a little singed.

Gong-Ju brings the butt of her trident up to block the brutish man's head-butt, the metal clanging off his face mask and knocking him off-course. "That is no way to treat any lady, much less royalty! On your knees, knave!" she proclaims as she hooks his legs with her trident's tines to knock him off his feet!

Murasaki tried to cover up her ears... and managed just as the discordant wave of noise passed over her. Her brows furrowed in displeasure but her ears didn't bleed, at least.

"Then so be it." After taking her hands off her ears, she went for a brutal clap on the co-pilot's own ears. It was only fair that he suffered too.

Lacey squirms and flails, trying to escape the pilot's grip.

"Get off me, you disgusting worm! Nobody is damsel-in-distressing me again!"